Light me up

My logic is shit. There I've said it. My friends have been telling me this for a while but yea...I'm finally admitting it. With the way I think and behave, it's surpising that I'm not on any type of drugs ahahahaha......no seriously I'm NOT on ANY substance =/

So yea, I can't explain things properly to people unless I use random analogies and examples, I randomly say things in conversations that have nothing to do with the topic, I misunderstand what people say, and sometimes....I don't even know what I'm saying myself. Preh random eh?

Now that I've admitted to myself (and to anyone who reads this) that I have a problem, I think I can work on it ahahaha. Looking through my mind is like looking through a kaleidoscope: Everything comes out in a weird and new way....wait...wait....that's a shit example....errr....yea I think I've got a better one! My mind is like a.....fuck lost it =/ Ahh whatever...let's just go with my mind is bloody impossible to comprehend o___O

Hmmm....I should be doing a recap over the last few weeks...but I really can't be bothered ahahaha, the past few weeks have been pretty good to me with all them random opportunities and experiences. Screw it, here's a quick run through (hopefully in chronological order) : Worked at Big Day Out, fullay best job I've done all year (also the first but errr...who gives a shit? =P). Got to listen to some pretty good music while trying to milk some tips out of some potentially drunk suckas....I mean some VERY sober and valuable customers -cough cough- yea....

Went to Kintoki's Australia Day BBQ, was a fullay good way to relax after some long ass hours at BDO. Damn....I wouldn't mind having that every year =] Continuing on...yea we prepared the BBQ practically one day before it happened ahahaha not bad considering the lack of time we put in =DDD Too bad I burnt the chicken on more than one occasion (I should know better by now....) In any case: Thanks for having me Garmon! Sorry about the chicken!!!

Anyways, I'd just like to finish this half assed blog with some errr...you know some...parting thoughts? Well, here we are: Life is like some random food....like.....uhhhh.....mashed potatoes! You take the lumps with the nice pureed stuff.....unless some fullay skilled chef prepared it.....FUCK! Killed my own parting thoughts ahahahaha....damn I suck at this =[

Attempt number 2! .....Actually scrap that....I can't think of a proper analogy =/ Screw this I'm looking for another job first....I need money Q_____Q

Is anyone home?

Whee~! I've been feeling extremely giddy since I've woken up ^^; Weird I know but yea the only things I've felt all day are giddiness, slight irritation and for some strange reason....random bursts of joy at the most random things (congee and the prospect of a hellish running regime every morning courtesy of my "uncle", to name a few) o__O

If I wasn't male (and yes I've checked down there enough times thank you very much =P), I could've sworn I was a chick having mood swings....cept for the pms'ing part ahahahaha. So yea I think I might have hit that off switch in the emotional control center of my brain or maybe the power's been cut off cuz I haven't been able to feel the slightest amount of pain or regret in the past 12 hours or so even when I recall the worst memories of my life just to test it out. Unfortunately...nothing, nothing at all, just feeling happy for no apparent reason =/

I think I'm out of it or maybe I've finally thrown away the trash, emptied my closet, let go of past or some random bullshit like that =] In any case it's the first time in a VERY long time that I've felt light and free ahahahaha

But if I'm wrong (and I'm sure I am)...when the switch flips....I'm gonna be in a world of pain. For now, life is pleasant and I'm satisfied with that or at least I think I am^^;

Sinking feeling

I think I'm fine now, after a long conversation with someone who's like a sister to me, I have returned to the world of the sane...well at least most of me has, the remaining part of me that is still lost in the dark world of insanity is shackled and sedated. Although I may still be a little off track....I think I've found my resolve again.

I have a hell of a week ahead of me....5 exams next week, 2 assignments due tomorrow, and 2 days worth of very long shifts at a very busy and chaotic music festival right after the exams. No rest for the wicked indeed =/

This was my very first mental breakdown....I'm not proud of it, in fact I hate myself for it.

I've got a few more goals in mind now...and I think that's the only thing keeping me going, preventing me from doing something irreversible, something stupid, something irresponsible, something really really impulsive, something that might scar me for life. Then again...that something could be the best thing I may ever do....but I don't have the the energy or the guts to take an unknown detour. I'm still scared of losing control...I need to be in control of my own actions and thoughts...time to pick up the reins and dig my spurs in.

They say it's not what you do that defines you but it's the company you keep that truly makes you who you are but who the fuck are "they"? And what the fuck do they know about me?

For some reason I think life is like a chaotic stream of emotions, thoughts and experiences, all determined by your own choices, a wrong turn could lead you crashing down a waterfall ending your adventure prematurely. Each of us is a drop of water, when one drop moves in different direction, others are sure to follow the path left behind (Just like watching rain drops on the window). Some of us will choose to ride the momentum into the waterfall, while others will gently wash down into the ocean, contributing in a small but significant way to another speck of life and in turn influencing all those around that life and others beyond it.

As for me, I plan on rushing down the rapids once more. Where I end up is anyone's guess....only time will tell.

Who am I?

I don't know anymore! I DON'T KNOW!!! I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!!

I'm out of energy...whatever positive energy I had is now gone...I'm a shell of what I used to be....

Somebody....anybody....I....just can't continue....I need a break....a long one....but I won't get it for another two weeks....I'm sleep deprived....I'm emotional...I'm not ok....I am not me....Who is this shit person with no self confidence that's sitting here right now typing this? I don't know you and you don't know me....What the fuck am I saying?!?!? SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?

I can't....I just can't.....I need help but I can't accept it....just leave me here...I'll cope somehow....I hope

I don't understand...I really don't...

Seriously....I can't comprehend what is going on at the moment, these thoughts swirling around my head are colliding with my other thoughts. I can't make heads or tails of the situation I'm in...I feel as if I'm too awake, if that makes any sense =/ In any case I don't know what to do with myself right now...

I think I've run into a crossroads of sorts and I can't decide which direction I'm going to go...At first I thought it was a straight track down to the finish line....but....when has life been easy? =.=

I'm much too aware of what I'm lacking, I need something or someone to ground me before my  mind slips away into some shitty self made mental abyss....fuck this shit...I know too many of my flaws, I say what I'm thinking before I know it....but sometimes I don't know what to say at all, my mind is overrun by things of no consequence and it just makes my mind collapse on itself.

I'm filled with regrets and emotions but I've got a drive that won't let me give up just yet. It's as if I've got a war going on in my own mind...but it's formed a treaty of sorts. Like one side of me urges me to let go, give up, throw it away....but the other side is screaming for me to finish what I started....but it looks like a compromise has been made. I'll reach the finish line....but when I do, I might just give up on everything or I might find another goal....yea...who knows what I'm going to do =/

I wish I wasn't self aware....there are things that you should never be aware ...some things about others I never wanted to know....some things about myself I didn't want to be aware of....these feelings and facts are ripping me apart inside...I don't think I can last holding them in....some one has got to know....I've got to tell some one but not here, not now....I'm far too awake, just knock me out and let me go back to sleep.

Don't force me to be the way you are

I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I AM going to finish my plan! I WILL succeed! I don't care what you think! I don't care if you think I'm going to fail! Even if I fall down, I'll pick myself up and go charging back into the fray with reckless abandon until I get there! I might emerge there bloodied, exhausted and completely fucked up but I will finish what I started!

I know what you're thinking..."WTF!?!? What the fuck is this guy talking about!??!" Well...I'm talking about me making my own way into the event management business/industry. I know it's hard work, I know it's hard to succeed, I know I'm a fucked up guy with shitloads of problems, I know a lot of you think I'm going to give up or fail miserably! YOU KNOW WHAT? LICK ME SIDEWAYS!

I'm over a grand in debt, mentally exhausted and being pressured from a lot of shit but you know....I've never been happier with myself. I've got my goal in sight and I'm willing to do everything I can to achieve it. I'm working as hard as I can and so far, I can't say I've regretted anything this year yet. I love you 2010!!!

Just like all the positions I've played over the years in various sports, I'm going to risk life and limb to keep the game in play. As a goal keeper, I'm not going to let you score a point against my goal. As a catcher, I'm going to plan the game and make sure all my obstacles are struck out. But most importantly...I've got the drive to play!

"They echo deep inside me, there's no need to understand me" - My Favourite Song, Ellegarden