It's a vicious cycle

Next year will be different....I swear I'll....These are the most common things you'll hear around this time of year apart from the sporadic greetings of "Merry Christmas" and I can relate to that. Everyone wants their future to be bright and filled with dreams instead of fear and despair. Personally I've had a rough year but I've pulled through pretty damn well, bouncing back from most issues relatively quickly =]

Most of us will make a New Years Resolution, I'm no exception to this but I am however, tempted to make a New Years Resolution like this: 

~Drink more 

~Smoke more

~Exercise less

~Be a jerk more 

That way I can only feel better about myself if I fail to do any of the above =P

But I'll make a proper one....so I can make myself miserable and have all that shit self pity this time next year. That and I can have a few goals to accomplish while I'm at it.

*****New Years Resolution*****

***Hopefully Realistic***

Be more sensitive and considerate

Manage/Organise myself better

Move out

Save more than $4000 before July

Think things through more before taking action

Pick up a new set of skills

Get a few more qualifications

Go overseas for at least 2 weeks

Plan more events

Balance my life a little better

Offend people less

Have a fantasy burrito

Waste less time

Hmmm I tried to make that list as realistic as possible but some of that just makes me think otherwise.... Never mind. It's all good. If I fail this list....well errr...shut up. In any case, this is the time of year people take it upon themselves to self analyse and reminisce about things long lost and forgotten, things that once made you laugh but now make you cry. Things that brought you warmth which now freeze you deep inside. Thoughts like these that cause break ups and other misfortunes all around the world. But it's just a vicious cycle that repeats itself every year....So quit moping and just look forward to the New Year. Things will change....just not in the way you thought it would.

Merry Christmas, have a safe and enjoyable holidays where ever you are. May the New Year bring you many more dreams and possibilities.

Don't get close to me, I'll just disappoint you

Once upon a time I was incredibly socially inept. I did not know what to say or who to say things to. I thought I had grown, matured, learned new things...But it seems that I am still the same retarded person I was back then. I still don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I still don't know when to say something...I haven't learnt anything at all. I'm still a disappointment to many and will most likely continue to be one to many more....Well this proves a fairly large amount of people right. I can't keep promises...To myself or other people. Just punch me in the face if it makes you feel any better. Or ignore me. I'll cope. I'm not that brittle. Sure I'll sprout waterfalls under my eyes but that needn't concern you or anyone else for that matter. I make mistakes. I'M SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LEARN FROM THOSE DAMN MISTAKES. But bloody hell....I sure take a long time to learn even the simplest things...unless there's money involved....

Well now. I've just gathered my thoughts and pulled through my self defeatist attitude and have come to terms with yet another excruciating loss. Unfortunately, this just shows how easily I get over things. I failed, I messed up, w/e, I move on. I'm tired of the whole process. Obviously I fuck up way too often so now I'm a callous wretch. If I'm to be cut off. I'll fall away quickly and roll away from where I'm being cut from. My grieving process is incredibly quick for some odd reason. Maybe because I was a bullied kid who had the nerve to stand up to people. Maybe it's cuz of what I've been through over the last 4 years but there is no way in hell I'm gonna dwell on things that will no longer be relevant. 

My stages of grieving: 1. Denial 2.Bargaining 3. Depression 4. Acceptance 5. Anger at acceptance followed by just Anger then plain old Acceptance. This process takes between 2-5 hours for me. Strange. I must be extremely insensitive. 

Enough boring whoever is reading this. I'm not going to spend another hour or so telling you how screwed up I am cuz you can see that already. So let's get on with my gratuitous self inflating monologue shall we? After I'm done, you're sure to hate me if you don't already! (No sarcasm intended)

Well I've finally landed a STABLE job and it makes me glow a bit on the inside every time I think about this single achievement. A smallish pub on the corner of chinatown filled with white folk. I get a minimum of one shift a week and the pay is decent. $20.04/hr on week days, $24.05 on Saturdays, $28.05 on Sundays and $44.08 on public holidays. Not too shabby. Since I work on Saturday most of the time I get roughly $200 for  my night shift. So yea....Loving it =]

With the job, I can afford to pay off my debts and shit like that. =D Another plus is that I finally got myself to get gym membership =D For a fucking low rate! AHAHAHAHAHA Asian stubborn cheapness is awesome when utilised for contracts ^^ So it'll cost me less than a grand a year to keep my membership =P

Playing squash every monday. Gym right after. Study on tuesdays. Class all of wednesday. Gym and study on thursday. Recreation and possibly work on friday. Work on saturdays and gym if I don't have work the day before. Rest on sundays. That sounds pretty balanced =]

Fuck I can't be fucked writing anymore. I'll do proper post in the weeks to come. That is if I don't get shot or something like that. I won't change the title I put there in the beginning of this post simply because I believe that to be true. But here are some last words. I will not bow (to everyone), I will not break (for long) and I bloody well will get back on my feet if I get pushed down.

Ignore me but make it clear you're gonna ignore me. Once I'm done. I'm moving on. Goodbye and thanks for all the fish.

Inane ramblings: Part 7

Woo Hoo! Back from the capital city of australia! Canberra btw is a mega awesome place compared to sydney and here's my shitty personal reasons why!

1. The people are nicer! People aren't so uptight and are willing to start a conversation on the street. Sydney is like....zzz ignore ignore ignore [insert a "I'm too good for you" look] and complaining kind of place. Loosen up people!

2. Ummmm....the atmosphere, it's so much more laid back and relaxed, no one seems to be in that much of a rush in canberra =D

3. Errr....fuck I've actually forgotten the rest zzz.... forget it. All you need to know is that canberra is awesome =]

Damn, had a really awesome time at canberra. Sean, Jizzy, Ushan (if you're reading this....this ain't a basketball court mate, it's my blog =P) and I went to canberra to celebrate Alisson's (Sean's girlfriend =]) birthday over the weekend. Can't say I didn't love it there cuz to be completely honest, I enjoyed nearly every damn moment ^^

Well we got to canberra at around 4pm EST saturday, 26/06 and we had a nice bacon and errrr....spinach cream sauce and pasta cooked by Alisson for lunch. Too bad Izzy couldn't eat it...religious reasons -sigh- it was pretty good =] So yea... after dumping our shit at Frank n Sam's apartment we went to shop for our dinner ingredients for Alisson's bday dinner.

Here's the menu:

Chicken Con Carne

Serves 4 (We should've doubled the ingredients, this turned out better than we thought it would =D)

60mL Olive Oil

500g Chicken Mince

2 Small Onions

1 Green Capsicum

1 can Peeled Tomatoes

1 can Red Kidney Beans

1 clove Garlic, crushed

1 tbs Tomato Paste

1/4 cup Wine (optional....hehehe...added it just for kicks xD)

2 tsp Chilli Powder

Beef Bou-something has gnogn or someshit in the spelling. Don't ask me, I don't speak french =.=

Serves 6

60-100mL Vegetable Oil

1kg Beef Chuck Steak

10 Baby Onions

400g Button Mushrooms

250mL Beef Stock

250mL Dry Red Wine (fuck it we used about half a litre xD)

1/4 cup Flour

2 Bay Leaves

2tbs Oregano

CRACKED BLACK PEPPERCORNS!!! (Not in this recipe BUT IT WAS AWESOME!!)

3 rashers Bacon (we didn't use this, Izzy is halal so yea....)

A shitload of salt if you're not using the bacon

Chocolate Mousse

Serves 2 (We made enough for like 10-15 people =P)

100g dark chocolate

1 egg

125 mL thick cream

2tsp caster sugar

Yea....it all turned out pretty damn awesome. I really can't be bothered writing down the recipes right now so if you want the instructions you can email me or leave me a comment with your email address attached =P

Cocktail/Drink menu =D

Tequila Sunrise

Half cup Ice

45 mL Tequila

Almost fill with OJ

Dash of Raspberry Cordial

Supposed to serve just one....but...after the bottle dropped down to just a third...HELLO BOTTLE OF EXTRA STRENGTH TEQUILA SUNRISE!! xD

2 x 1L Bottle of Wet Pussy Shots (With substitutions cuz....SOMEBODY didn't buy cranberry juice =.=)

20-30 shots....(10 if you manage to take the bottle away from Ushan)

350mL Vodka

350mL Peach Schnapps

200mL Apple Cranberry Juice (I feel like a failure using this...)

Half a Lemon and Lime (For that extra citrus kick ^^)

Special Birthday Sex on the Beach Variation! (This is like...definitely not made in bars cuz you totally would be fined for the excessive amount of alcohol in it hahahaha....><)

Serves uhhh....ummm....in this case I'll say just ONE =P

Grab a bottle...some kind of water bottle, like those sports water bottles with that pop up lid. Chuck in around 8 large ice cubes.

Pour in 4 seconds worth of Malibu or if you're measuring.....around 2-4 shots

45 or so mL of Vodka

Almost fill with Orange Mango Juice (Supposed to be pineapple juice...but again...SOMEONE didn't buy any =.=)

Dash of Raspberry Cordial (WHY DIDN'T ANYONE BUY ANY CRANBERRY JUICE!?!?!)

Throw bottle into the air and watch them scramble for it~! Just kidding =P

Completely Retarded Kiwi & Rum Slushee~ (I'd say it's similar to a Daquiri)

Serves ???? o___O <

The ingredients are kinda vague to me...I did this while recovering from clubbing that night so...here's a rough guess of what I put in hahaha

6-8 Cups of Ice

1 Chopped Kiwi Fruit (I'm surprised I didn't cut myself ^^;)

1 Lime,- Skin Removed

Quarter bottle of Rum

Errrr....about ¼ cup of sugar? ><

Yea....that one is really vague in my memory...I have no idea why I made that in -3 degree weather...Good idea Bill...making yourself colder when you're pretty fucking cold in the first place >.>

Ugh...I can't remember what I was going to write thanks to my idiot of a brother who pulled my net out while I was typing this out...about a week ago =.= With my shitty capped net I can barely access my blog...Oh wells at least I made some cash off the FIFA World Cup xD

Anyways I really can't be fucked writing anything in any sort of coherent manner so I'll just ramble on and finish in a lil bit. I've been listening to Jet a lot lately, their songs are just so catchy =P DON'T JUDGE ME!!! 1 week after Canberra and I feel kinda iffy, I don't think I'm ok physically...My skin is completely fucked now >< To be fair it was never great to begin with so no real loss there...still it's making me feel like shit, I'll go to the doc's on thursday for a check up =/

Hmm...I'm really envying couples these past few days -sigh- I've been single for what? 19 and a half fucking years. Ugh. I can't be fucked elaborating. It's pointless. Not a single girl is interested. The only time I get their attention is when I'm making drinks or cooking. After that....fucking hell... I feel like a used tool zzzz. And yes I'm rolling my eyes as I'm typing this shit excuse for a blog right now, occasionally doing some curls with my left arm while typing or smoking. Yea....I'm pretty fucking bored....that and I don't have a fucking heater =.= The curls heat my body up and the smoking does that to a certain extent so yea...I feel like a lunatic who won't stop rolling his eyes at his own thoughts. Wow so much for finishing in a lil bit...This is just like a bloody stream of consciousness kind of thing...I think.

Oh yea! Apparently I have a repressed side that'll show itself when I'm in a place where I hardly know anyone =P Tyvm Sam...I really needed to know that...not. Still that's kinda interesting =] Like I'm kind of unsure of how I behave. I know I'm a fucking extrovert a majority of the time...especially in larger groups but for some fucking uncontrollable reason I become withdrawn and quiet when I'm alone with someone. There's so many things I want to say but I don't dare speak it out loud. So many things I want to let you know but I'm scared of how you'll take it...I can't even type up what I want to say just because I'm a too bloody scared of losing contact. Fuck I'm a bloody coward. Time and time again I've been told by many a close friend to fucking man the fuck up and do it already but alas...I am a mere boy unskilled in the arts of errrr....just realised what I was about to type. Fuck.....I'm a fucking coward. I can be myself around everyone except for one person....DAMN IT!

I think I'll just mope for just a little bit.

On another note, I can't look at white Sambuca without feeling sick...I drank so much of that shit that I filled up an entire sink and passed out soon after. Goon and Sambuca do NOT mix well.

This blog post has turned into a cesspit of despair and self pity from an overly happy post of excitement and rejuvenation. How things change in such a short period of time. I'm sure you can spot the transition. Self pity is the stupidest thing I can do to myself and here I am doing just that. Well fuck it. I'm going to have a fucking shower, exercise then make myself feel like less of a failure.

“I don't know anymore, what I need and what for

All I know is there must be something more”

~ La Di Da– Jet  

Inane ramblings: Part 6

Well..I'm going back to work at maccas. Yea....Say what you will. I'm ramming my pride down my throat and doing what needs to be done. I'm strapped for cash. Really strapped for cash. I'm not going to rely on the government or my parents to support me. I'm too stubborn to rely on someone else to do everything for me.

Well....this is pretty fucked up. It's back to being McBill again. Never thought that would happen....oh wells. Shit happens. Hope this is for the best.

Wish me luck in finding another job soon!

Alternatively, you could help me find a decent paying stable job =]

Inane ramblings: Part 5

I really can't be bothered with the title for some reason. I must be getting lazy....wait that's not news at all, I've always been lazy >< Anyways, I've made a few life choices recently on my personal beliefs and philosophy. One of these choices is not to continue studying at insearch. I really don't seem to see the point of going there at this point in time. I do nothing but laze around and cram at the end of the semester. It's not like I'm learning alot there so yea...I'm going to the institute of commercial management for an events management training course/diploma with real hands on experience. I might regret it in the future but hey it's my life, my choice and possibly my mistake....but it's MY CHOICE and no one else's. If it's a mistake I'll learn something from it, if it's a good decision then hell yea I've done right by me but in either case it'll be me who benefits or loses out.

I'm more than willing to take advice or suggestions but in the end, it's all up to me, I'm no ones play thing to be tossed around and led into paths that aren't my choice..I ain't a fucking drone. Sure I fuck up but no ones perfect and I think I'm repeating myself hahaha oh well at least it's my mistake =P I don't believe in fate or destiny even though life does throw in a few things that might seem like it but yea life is what YOU make it not what someone else makes it, it's ultimately up to YOU to lead your life. Why bother believing that someone is leading your life for you? I mean wouldn't that defeat the whole purpose of living? You make choices, some good some bad and some that are fucked up beyond belief but what ever choice YOU make it'll be YOUR choice and that's what counts ^^

Here's something that just occurred to me...if the proposed internet filter actually get implemented my blog might be one of the blacklisted sites because of government dissent hahaha. Kinda of sad if you think about it =P It'll give me a ego boost if it does though hahaha.

Hmmmm you know....some religions actually make some sort of sense...in theory that is. I was having a discussion with some mates of mine and one of them mentioned one that was about morphic fields? I think that' what it was called but morphic fields are errr....a group consciousness kind of thing that people can tap into and grow together. I like that concept mainly because understanding others would be simplified if morphic fields existed and conflicts wouldn't be such a common occurrence. That reminds me, a few anime series have something similar but with cybernetics and such instead but the concept is pretty similar. Ghost in the Shell is a classic example, can't be bothered going to specifics cuz I've been told my blog posts go for way too long hahaha. Let's see....Real Drive, Gundam 00, Neon Genesis Evangelion (in the human instrumentality plan)....what else...a few shows with telepathy I suppose =/

Ahhhh....I'm feeling restless and somewhat sleepy....fuck it's only 4:30 pm =.= I must be getting old..........or insane. Ah screw it, insanity is sanity and sanity is most definitely a form of insanity. The mundane must have a disease of being normal...life must be dull for them I suppose but then again I'm slightly insane. Rest assured, I will not be the face outside your window =P

Inane ramblings: Part 1

I find myself realising things about myself more and more often these days, maybe it's because of the free time I have to myself or maybe it has something to do with what I've read recently but nevertheless I find myself probing deeper into myself and extracting the reasons for why I do things the way I do.

I'm impulsive and quite reactive. I tend to overreact and comment on almost any given circumstance which is...I suppose a failing of mine but hey it's not like I want to be a retard half the time, I just like to show what I think/feel at the time rather than let it eat me up on the inside. Leaving shit inside will just make that shit fester and fuck you up unless it's something moderately sweet or satisfying. And I just realised I'm rambling and going around in circles again =/

Anyways...I've found out what kind of girl I feel attracted to =O Yea...I know, random... Now shut up and let me continue =P I like a gal who's got a brain....and actually uses it, a gal who can think of her own views, a girl who can stand up for herself and fights for her own place in the world, in other words someone with strength of mind or something like that. I'm not saying that looks aren't a factor like come on! Guys are shallow creatures and so are girls....to a certain extent but not so much as guys hahhaha....I've pissed someone off haven't I...? Shit... Well in any case, that's what I've found out quite recently while sorting through some of the memories of my feelings and sentimental crap like that. Stop laughing! Nah fuck it, laugh away!

Lalalala now that I've revealed that bit of insignificant (to you, not me) information, I can't be fucked typing up anything on here.....oh wait here's another revelation of sorts or well errr a uhhh confession to make... I love to gamble. Noooo I don't mean I love to gamble money, don't get me wrong I enjoy gambling, I like the shiny lights and the ding ding of the blackjack machine but what I mean by gamble is taking risks on things. I like to risk part of my future on going to some random place and asking for a job that may or may not be stable. I like to risk my possible freedom in taking up said jobs that might not even pay me. It might not sound like much...but it is gambling in its own way. I mean if I take a bar job that only offers graveyard shifts and continue studying...aren't I risking my chance at getting into a uni course that I want? Aren't I risking my mental health? Could I possibly be slightly insane? Yes, yes and YES.

Well to cap this crap off I'd like to share what I think of life now. Life is like my favourite gambling game: Blackjack. You can stand where you are and hope for the best and hope that life has dealt you the right cards or you can take a chance and hit and hope that you get the card that you need to gain the upper hand. Wow....that kind of made sense =D

Roll Call

I've learnt a lot of things over the past 4 years thanks to the people around me, some of those things have been completely useless but a majority of the things I've learnt from them have made me who I am today. The first place where I really learned something was at you guessed it...Maccas! No matter how much I complain about that place and how much I bag it out, I really did enjoy working there. Not because of working at maccas itself, I mean who wants to be covered in oil all day? I enjoyed working at maccas because that's where I kind of grew up, I learned to be less naive, gained confidence and more importantly I gained friends that gave me a part of themselves whether it was through lecturing, whacking me on the head or just hanging out. I don't mean to say that all the friends I gained worked at maccas but that was the catalyst for me escaping being an antisocial retard for the rest of my life....not that I'm any less of a retard mind you.

Some of my best friends were found in that period of time and the bonds between us only got stronger, I learned more from them and they learned how to put up with my inane comments and stupidity but somewhere down along the track...I lost contact with some of them due to various reasons but the worst loss of them all well if you know me, you should know who those two people are. I lost 2 of the most irreplaceable people in my life for something that could have been easily remedied but no...I'm one lazy sonuvabitch. I won't forget what I learned from them neither will I forget the good times and the bad because that's what friends are for right? Sticking together regardless of what happens but I suppose I can't meet their expectations. I'm not a child anymore....I still have some childlike tendencies but that's not the point, I have to be able to accept whatever comes and what has already happened and move on...but I can't. Not from this. Not from the loss of something so important and irreplaceable that I can't even really imagine life without them. Sure, I'm a cocky asshole when the occasion calls for it but that's when I'm distracted from my own thoughts, fuck I must sound emo right about now gah whatever, it's my life and my blog. Deal with it.

For all the comfort and sagely advice you've given me Garmon...Thank you, I doubt I could deal with what I'm going through right now without it.
For all the lectures, raging and setting me straight every single time. Thanks Chris, I wouldn't have any confidence or pretty much any backbone if it wasn't for you.

I'm sorry it ended the way it did, I'm sorry for what I put you guys through but sorry isn't enough so instead of whining and making excuses, I'd rather thank you guys for everything you've done. Thanks for not making me feel like an outcast, thanks for being there when I needed it, thanks for putting up with me, thanks for inviting me to everything, thanks for teaching me, thanks for getting angry at me, thanks for being blunt with me, thanks for telling me off but most of all. Thanks for being my friends. I miss you guys more than I can express in words. Fuck my life, can't I type this shit without tearing up? Fuck. Life isn't the same without you guys.

I sincerely hope that whatever you guys are doing, that you're doing well and happy.

The hunt continues

It's been about what? Over half a month since I last blogged? So here I am again, sitting here being irritated by an assortment of issues, some of them random and some of them pretty damn serious....or so I like to believe. Well let's get on with it.

I'm still in debt and still looking for a STABLE job. I've been paying the debt off $50 a week and I can't really complain that much, it's not like I didn't do this to myself but in any case I don't really care about my debt any more, when it's gone, it's gone. More important is my search for a stable source of income which isn't going that well... I think. I've had more than 4 jobs this year and it's not something to be proud of, here's some shit I had to deal with so far:

Calling up for a shift - A major pain in the ass, seriously. Who the hell wants to call up and ask for a shift and then get a reply like "I'm sorry we don't have any shifts available at the moment" or not even getting paid for whatever work you did do. Pain the fucking ass indeed.

Not getting called back AFTER they tell you you've got the job - Right...I don't really need to say anything on this do I? I mean, I called them to remind them I exist and that I want to work...what do I get? "Send me your resume again, I'll call you back" Great....

There's more but FUCK! It irritates me just thinking about it. Continuing on...I've had more job interviews than I can really remember, most of which have people who shitloads more qualified than me...mainly because they're in their mid 20s and 30-40s. No point in trying to compete there hahahaha. Let's see...what else has gone wrong with my interviews? Oh yea, calling myself a job whore when I was asked what my friends would describe me as....damn you Sheryl! I've applied for way too many jobs this year, hell it's bound to have hit the 200 mark by now =/ It hit the 100 mark some time in February.

If you think about how many applications I've made you'd think I would've found a stable job by now ^^; Yea....you'd think that wouldn't you? Clearly you're wrong. In fact applying for all those jobs brings all sorts of consequences like having TWO INTERVIEWS SCHEDULED AT THE SAME TIME! Cancel one and go to the other...great...worst part is PICKING ONE. I know, I shouldn't be complaining, at least I can get an interview....but it's still a pain in the fucking ass.

If you don't know me then you don't know about my work experience so....don't think I'm some whingy gen Y'er that has no qualifications. Been working my ass off since the age of 15 and the longest period of time that I've been unemployed since then has been this shit period of time since January. I am bloody qualified and fuck it all if I don't have the right to be proud of it. I'm a hell of a barista, an inventive cocktail bartender, a sociable manager and most of all I AM....wait...fuck I don't know but I'll figure it out later.

Tomorrow is gonna be one busy day, I'm going to find me a new job....again. Let's see...call up star city and see if they're serious about employing me then pop by the local TAB and ask the manager if he'll take me on and maybe I'll head down to that cafe and see if they still have a position vacant. Hell, who knows what the future has in stall for me but all I know is I'm going to welcome whatever comes with everything that I am.

Food for thought

Well well, it's been a while since I last blogged. Lack of net, random assignments, random cbf moments....wait...random cbf? Che I cbf all the time what the fuck am I on about =/ Anyways, without any further ado let's get to the meaty part of my random thoughts. Yesterday I had a very interesting discussion with Iris on how a person's taste in food can be used to describe a person...and there's some random chinese saying that describes it. It's supposed to be something like if you can't eat bitter foods then you won't be able to deal with the bitter things in life. Interesting no?

Continuing on... I know people say shit like "You are what you eat" and I think that's kinda true. Kids being immature and only know the good things in life (generally speaking) prefer sweet things, as they grow up the kids will learn to enjoy salty things, endure bouts of sourness and eventually learn to taste the bitter sting of defeat without rejecting it completely. What I'm trying to say is...food is a universal language and a person's personal preference in one of the 4 categories of taste says a lot about them.

The four main categories of taste are: Sweet, Salty, Sour and Bitter. Supposedly there's a 5th taste called umami (savoury) but I'll skip that for now. Now for my thoughts =]

Sweet~ Ahhh sweetness, defined by a random article I read in a newspaper as the least refined taste in the world as well as metaphor for happiness. As the least complex and most popular taste, it really does define the people who enjoy sweetness the most. Children = Happy and uncomplicated. I could also say that people in distress (mainly girls) like to have something sweet that reminds them of better times or perhaps even bring them hope for the possibility of happiness in the future. Kind of reminds me of those pampered silly women way past their expiry date, I am of course referring to Pittypat from Gone with the Wind. Silly woman...Read the book it's a good read, thoroughly enjoyable. Oh idealists, fatties and people who choose to ignore anything that isn't good could be the other types of people who like sweet things a bit too much.

Salty~ Saltiness, slightly more refined than the taste of sweetness but still a relatively simple taste compared to bitter and sour. You could say if something tastes salty it's down to earth kind of like how people learn to accept reality (damn christians...continue eating your sweet bread and live in your delusional world -.-), in other words growing up or learning about new things I suppose. I really can't find an adequate explanation for this taste =/

Sour~ Blegh, gah, etc. The initial response to anything sour or even something surprising. A tolerance of sour foods like lemons could mean that a person can deal with things that don't go according to plan in life. But then again, it could reflect what a person is like....like err someone could have a bad disposition to everything acting "sour". Bad sportsmanship for example could be classified as being sour but that could mean that person has not tolerance for anything sour o___O

Bitter~ Apparently it's the taste of poison. It takes time to develop a taste for bitter things like coffee and alcohol making this taste more refined than the others in a way. A person who cannot endure the taste of bitterness can't deal with failure in life, figuratively speaking of course. To really appreciate something bitter, you have to be able to taste it and come out with a better understanding of it. Kind of like problems and failures in life, learning from your mistakes and thinking back on the experience to remind yourself about your lesson. Something like that? Maybe I'm over analysing...meh...continuing on....drinking coffee in the morning, a typically "adult" preference/habit could be a way of reinforcing the value of being able to deal with problems...but then there's the issue of adding sugar. The amount you add determines how much of the problem you can really deal with.

Savoury~ I know I said I'd skip this but....hell it's a good one ^^ Savoury foods...who doesn't enjoy them? I don't know of anyone that doesn't like savoury foods so I'll get to the point. Savouring experiences or prolonging a feeling or whatever you want to call it is what this taste is about. Everyone wants to have fun just that much longer, to enjoy that moment for a little more...it's a taste that no one can deny. People who enjoy too much savoury foods could be called indulgent and errr.....could possibly end up fat =P

Mix and match the tastes and you can see a bit of what a person is like. A guy who consumes a lot of bitter things but eats a sweet cake with it, say....coffee with no sugar could be someone who has had a rough time but dreams of better times. Salt and vinegar on chips! Now that's a combination to randomly go on about! Salty - realistic. Sour - surprise. Savoury - enjoyment. Errr....Living in the real world, likes something a bit out of the ordinary and enjoys life generally ^^; Hahahaha......I shouldn't into it too much, it isn't that accurate but I do honestly believe your preferences in the taste of your food reflect a bit of who you are and how you deal with life. You are what you eat after all =]

Restricted

It's 4am in the morning and I'm still awake but it's not like I haven't done something constructive. In the past 3 hours I have applied for 3 jobs online and contemplated how society is going down the drain. Let me clear this up a bit, I don't mean society is completely shit but it looks like it's heading that way.

All of these new laws and restrictions that are poised to strike society are doing more harm than good despite the intentions. Remember, someone said (I can never remember the guy who said this =/): "The greatest harm can come from the best of intentions". This is by far one of the most accurate descriptions I can think of regarding those damned "anti-smacking" laws. These laws prevented parents from physically abusing their children in public BUT COME ON! Kids these days are running rampant, screaming at the top of their lungs, walking as if they have a right to every single little thing, swearing at their parents, swearing at strangers, swearing at fucking everyone! I know what some people are thinking right about now...the kids can't help how they behave, they're kids. Fuck off. Right now. Get the fuck away from this site. Never come back until you realise it's both society and the parent's fault (I would also like to blame christianity but that would offend too many people...wait too late already did).

When these restrictions on disciplining your children came into place, I'm sure it was largely supported but....did anyone really think of the children? Like really thought about how they would turn out not just how they were being treated. A punch is too far, a kick, obviously. Throwing? Ok....too far (no pun intended). But a slap to the face? Hell, I think that's a perfectly fine way to discipline a child, especially if the kid has been a complete wrecking machine or like a rabid dog. If your kid was screaming his/her head off just for the sake of a fucking chocolate bar and threw a tantrum just to get it. Fuck. You slap that kid's face. It will shut the damned brat up and teach em never to do it again. Just the threat of you doing again is a deterrent. Key word: AGAIN.

I swear...kids these days, they have no respect for anyone older than themselves, no discipline and absolutely no sense of responsibility for their own actions. Once again I point my finger at society. Sure, kids have a right to not be abused but the rest of us (the majority) have a right not to be abused by brats. The media went into a frenzy just because a mother slapped her child in a shopping center a few years back. At that time, I thought "good parent" but the fucking annoying and overwhelmingly loud minority of "think of the children" retarded mothers (I say mothers instead of parents....it's always the rich wife who's devoted to religion that sparks this kind of idiocy), scream out for blood. They believe that children can be taught to be civilised without the use of discipline. Well yea...your snot nosed brat has everything he/she wants, why wouldn't the "planned" accident be errr....."civilised" =.=

Continuing on...The hysteria over a single slap...it was enough to increase the amount of children running amok. What could the reasonable parents do? They couldn't even hit their child due to the fear that they too would be prosecuted for such a necessary act of minute violence to maintain order as well as educate. If I ever saw a parent discipline their child in public for a good reason (I can think of so damn many good reasons....), I swear...that parent should be given some kind of award for having the guts to stop curb their offspring. It's the duty of a parent to take care of their child and teaching the kid proper etiquette is a vital part of that. I'm no parent but as a young adult coming to terms with himself, I honestly believe that being disciplined as a child in both public and private was beneficial to me. I didn't just get slapped....I'm asian, my dad WAS beyond strict so....let your imagination run wild, no seriously, let it run really wild. Make sure to include the sound of a bamboo cane swinging through the air....good times =/

Anyways, from just this simple restriction, a huge proportion of the later part of my generation and the almost the entirety of generations thereafter are simply too free in their upbringing creating senselessly violent and self righteous people. This might just be a generalisation but hell, the argument of everything being done for the children has been overused and is completely abused by every loudmouthed religious control freak (fucking fanatics....go play god somewhere else, preferably in isolation). The argument, valid as it may be in many cases, is now being used by the bloody government as an excuse to implement an internet filter.

Sure...the filter sounds reasonable in theory to someone who doesn't realise wtf the filter really means. Blocking website that contain offensive material involving children doesn't sound bad, in fact it sounds pretty good.....but is it the right thing to do? Fuck. No. An internet filter is just another word for internet censorship. CENSORSHIP! Grrrr... Yes, an excuse to be able to edit any and all incoming and outgoing data that goes through the australian internet connection. Sure it MIGHT prevent kids from watching porn or w/e but that's never gonna stop an adolescent boy from watching porn. Duh. It's the parent's duty to monitor the activities of the child. IT'S THE PARENT'S DUTY TO ENSURE THAT THE KID DOESN'T GET ACCESS TO WHATEVER THE PARENT DEEMS INAPPROPRIATE! It's not the government's job, it never was, and it NEVER should be. If the internet is censored....opinions will disappear and information will be erased or blocked. Any negative views will be removed from public access....we'll become like china....fml. No freedom of information. Information is extremely valuable so having a lack of access to information will cause people to be more easily manipulated by both the government and the media. Wiki the TAMPA incident for an example.

In any case, I just really had to get this off my chest. Society is going to be fucked. Look at it. With each new restriction designed to prevent the decline of morals and integrity, the descent into chaos increases ten fold. If children are the future....then why are we fucking them up? These protections are simply causing our future to become bleak and chaotic. Not to mention COMPLETELY FUCKED UP!

I'd just like to say thank you to all the idiotic religious housewives with too much time on their hands for starting public outcries and giving a government an excuse to control every aspect of our lives. In case you didn't notice, this entire paragraph is drenched with sarcasm. Thanks again....now go rot by yourself, I don't wanna get dragged down along with you.

Last thing,
To all you parents who actually do know how to discipline your children, Bravo! YOu all deserve medals or some kind of award =] (This obviously doesn't include the idiots I mentioned before). So yea, keep up the good work and hopefully there are more of you out there!

Distracted

Whenever I take a shower or have a quiet smoke on my own, I tend to think about things....things like my future, what I've been doing lately, how satisfied I am with myself and all those other thoughts that make you melancholic. No one knows what the future will hold, so wondering about my own future is pointless but somewhat entertaining in its own way...you know what I mean? Like...planning too far ahead just for the sake of it, you know, making outrageous plans for the future that will probably never come true hahahaha....fuck. 

But yea, it has come to my attention that I am without a doubt, too much of an optimist when it comes to my own future excluding any and all connections to girls....unless those plans include opening up a strip club but that ain't gonna happen...wait a sec....there's an idea...nah that would be kinda pathetic...ahahahaa. In any case, I tend to think on the positive side when I plan something, disregarding all the problems that might come my way then I get overexcited about whatever it is I might be planning. But hey, a guy has got to have some dreams right? Dream big or don't dream at all, risk all or don't risk anything, do or die and some other random things (think of them yourself, I'm way too lazy right now).  

Rightio I'm still in a douschey mood so I'm gonna be a total retard, as per usual...nevertheless I am going to plow through my thoughts again. Right now, I am in no way satisfied with myself, I'm employed but the job doesn't seem to give me shifts (again....why....), I still have that debt floating over my head and I'm still pretty iffy about my body. Nothing I can do about the job except look for another one =/ I've been doing random exercises everyday just to see if it has any effect on me, here's a list of crap I do =P

- About 200-300 push ups each day (about 50-100 every 2 or so hours =/)

- 100-150 curls with shitty 5kg dumbbells (Sets of 50 =.=)

- 60-100 of those chest exercises, the one where you spread your arms with weights in em and bring your arms back to the centre, shit explanation but whatever =P

- 60-100 of the shitty triceps exercise, bend like a dousche and lift the weights backwards?

- 10-20 minutes of sit ups (usually for 3-5 minutes at a time...until my abdominal area is killing me ahahahha)

And there we go, my shitty everyday exercise thingo, I'm surprised I've kept with it and it kinda  makes me feel better about myself....except for the fact I'm only using 5kg =.= Phails....

I'm inept, incompetent, a total failure or what have you BUT I'm working on it...let's exclude the competency  with girls again, we all know I'm never going to improve on that ahahahaha.....errr....right...yea....back to me blabbering on about what the hell I'm trying to do. I've tried, I've failed, I've picked myself up and hurled myself against the wall again and again, took a break and started again but while doing that I haven't realised how futile it is. Maybe it's my imagination but I don't know when to give up, I'm still hitting that wall even though there's a nice even path right beside me.

I wonder what will last longer....the wall or me?

Fuck, I just realised this post has absolutely no coherent pattern or w/e, screw it, my posts never had any structure to begin with....well la~di~da~ I can't be bothered fixing it, back to doing random exercises to force out some endorphins.

Spiral into spaghetti

I have a new random take on life...well another random theory/analogy for life's opportunities. Life's opportunities are like a spiral, when life begins, you start on the outermost ring. At this point, there are almost an infinite amount of possibilities waiting for you but as you grow older, you move towards the center of the spiral, slowly but surely reducing the amount of opportunities that come your way. Sure you might have more money, experience and w/e but you're weighed down by responsibilities that pretty much halt any and all advances into another area. By the time you're almost dead, you've almost reached the center of the spiral and have shit all opportunities. Random theory? Yes. Stupid? Maybe. Nothing better to do? ummm...errr...damn it.

Lost my line of thought and randomly remembered some random recipes taught to me by a 3-4 star italian chef =D Better write them down before I forget.

Authentic Bolognaise! (Or close to it!)

Serves 4 or 8 small portions

Steak - at least half a kilo. Get it from the butcher's, it's cheaper and you can get whatever piece you want minced on demand.

Onion - One brown onion, diced

Celery - About 2-3 stalks, same amount as a diced onion

Carrot - Same amount as diced onion

Olive oil

Salt & Pepper

Red wine -  One glass (Personally I prefer Pinot Noir in cooking)

Tomatoes - A can of diced tomatoes will do nicely, sometimes its better than fresh tomatoes for some reason ahahaha

Spaghetti - 500g packet =P

1. Cook onions, celery and carrot in olive oil on medium-high until soft in a pot. 

2. Throw in the minced steak, cook until brown.

3. Add a pinch of salt and pepper, add glass of wine immediately after, stir thoroughly. (the wine will spread the salt and pepper through the sauce evenly not to mention it will add some nice flavour =]). Errr...Boil? (or keep it on medium high) for about 5 minutes to remove alcohol.

4. Add the tomatoes. Stir through well. Allow the sauce to simmer for another 5 minutes. 

5. Add Spaghetti (I'm assuming you cooked it while the sauce was being prepared). Stir, mix well etc whatever you wanna call it.

6. Serve, duh

Random spaghetti tip from the italian guy: For spaghetti el dente or proper spaghetti or something like that, cook spaghetti until it has a very thin line of flour left in the middle. Take a bite to check. The thing is, the pasta will cook once when you boil it, a second time in the sauce, and it will still be cooking when you place it on the table. By the time you eat it, it'll be damn near perfect hahahha or something like that. Please DON'T blame me for your mistakes =P

Anyways, I really can't be bothered writing down how to make good gravy. SOOOO here's a shortcut. 

Buy chicken stock cubes. Make the stock. Boil down until it becomes consistent, like gravy-ish texture (you'll lose alotta water but gravy needs to be thick =P). Add the gravy powder thingo (something like gravox). Ta~da! Gravy!

Add green peppercorns at the end and cook for a while for peppercorn sauce.

Add button mushrooms at the end and cook for a while for mushroom sauce.

Add worcestershire sauce and cream at the end and cook for a while for diane sauce.

I can't be bothered writing down anymore details for this so yea...need something random to finish this post off....hmmm....errr...fuck....got nothing again. Screw it, I'm gonna watch Interview with the Vampire before I sleep so shut up and go back to your twilight films. If you actually considered that....you're on the wrong blog mate.

V for Vindictive

Well, well....what do we have here? Another over hyped and ultimately futile day dedicated to couples who may either cherish or loathe the memory of this day. Yup it's valentines day....again. All of us single dickheads such as myself are thinking one of two things.

1. NOOO I'm SINGLE ON VALENTINES DAY! I'M DOOMED! MY LIFE IS OVER! (or some melodramatic like that)

2. Pfft...valentines...who needs it? -crying on the inside-

Yea I know, you're probably thinking "What a load of BS" but it doesn't change the fact that most people feel the need to be with someone on this overrated day, no matter how much they deny it. For all I know you could be in your room crying the corner right now....somehow reading this ahahaha. But yea most if not all people feel the need for company, company that soothes you just because you're in their presence. I know my inner romantic is raging inside its prison cell but I've lost the key...need a new one....err maybe not.

Everywhere you go today, you'll see couples, valentines day decorations and worst of all...roses....fuck...roses....the single thing that symbolises this day is a rose given to your loved one. I can't even go to woolworths and buy a pack of cigarettes without being hit below the belt by the sight of roses. Every time I see roses on this day, it reminds me of how shit it is to have been single for all 19 years of my life. Some random guy said "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" I think its kinda right, I'd rather go with being loved or even having a gal somewhat interested in me. Then again...I'm so clueless about chicks that I wouldn't know if she was interested if it was printed in big ass letters floating above her head ahahaha, maybe if I wasn't so dense...nah probably not.

Where was I....right yea...Valentines is just a kick in the balls, there's all this pressure for couples to do something "special" for that special someone. There's also pressure for those of us without that "special" someone...Lucky bastards...Wait....lookie here, it just started to rain on them "lucky" couples ahahahaha.

Hmmm...I seem to have a bad case of schadenfreude but hey I'm single on valentines so shut up and give me a rose or twenty. Actually, nevermind. I'm not going to go out there and myself a girlfriend until I'm satisfied with myself. I mean you can't make someone else happy if you're not happy yourself, you'd just fuck it up. In the meantime, I'm going to have a pack of ciggies and laugh at the couples out in the rain cuz I'm vindictive like that....well just for valentines.

Back from the dead

I'm back....sort of. Now that I'm employed again everything seems a little brighter. It's as if someone has pulled the curtains away from my eyes and shown me what it is to live again. Like I've said many times before: I live off pressure, that is pressure from working and shit like that. So yea...I am now employed at the Manhattan Lounge on Elizabeth St, Martin Place opposite Verandah Bar =D Look for the dark asian guy but don't expect any free drinks you free loading bastards =.=

Anyways, yea my life is looking up =] I got a cab back home from there for only $30 when it normally costs $45-55 ahahhaha then I checked my inbox....Guess what was there =P A successful application to one of my many many many...many....etc job applications online! Apparently I have an interview on monday =/ To go or not to go...hmmm...I do have a job now soooo do I go to the interview or not....Well let's see....I have to do my timetable on monday, tuesday I have to call my boss to arrange my shifts after my timetable is done soooo...I COULD go....FUCK so hard to decide! Somebody help me decide!!!

In any case (I gotta stop saying that....faaah) something tells me my life is looking up =] Soon enough I'll pay off my debts and move the hell outta this shithole I currently call home. Life isn't as bad as it was 20-something hours ago ahahaha....To the guys not talking to me at the moment: I'm working on my life, I'm getting there, I'm fixing my shit up...hopefully....no wait....definitely!

To summarise this whole bragging parade up, I'd just like to say something inspiring, something thought provoking, something you definitely won't find here. Yea....you're not gonna get that something, I really can't be fucked so yea life's a bitch and this one of them lemons so shut up, make some lemonade and when life least expects it....throw the lemonade in its spiteful face =D

Bottom of the food chain

I am scum. Yes. Scum. No matter what people do for me, I can never do anything right for them in return. There is something wrong with me. No doubt about it.

I've been told I like to push things like...I'll keep doing something until it's almost unbearable. I used to think I knew when to stop but clearly I don't. It's just like that random article said; I have a high tolerance for risk because there's something wrong with my brain or at least the logical part of my brain. I don't feel as much fear or remorse as normal people do....it's unnatural. Sure, I try to fix things up but...I'm too easily sidetracked by things that don't matter as much as what I'm supposed to be doing. In the end, I just fuck things up =/

Although it may seem impossible to change who I am, I have to try otherwise it's just going to be a cycle of me fucking everything up. I've already lost irreplaceable things in my life, it's almost as if I have nothing left but I have to learn to stand on my own two feet. I can't rely on other people to lift me out of a ditch every time I walk off the road...I have to do it myself. Who knows how long it'll take but what else can I do?

The only thing keeping me walking is the thought of money. If I can't keep anything else in my life, I can at least devote myself to making myself a decent buck even if it means working in a dead end job. In any case, I'll just put on a happy facade for everyone to see. No one needs to know that I'm stuck in another hole...just walk on by there's nothing to see here.

My word is worth nothing

I'm full of it. Full of shit. I can't even keep a promise to my best mates anymore. I don't even think I have the right to call them mates. Over reacting you say? Please...you don't know half of it. Allow me to ellaborate.

I am technically employed but the amount of money I get from my current occupation is practically nil. So let's go with jobless =/ Anyway...I have a debt that isn't going away anytime soon unless some place decides to hire me in the next week or so. I'm so desperate for cash right now that I'm considering going back to working at McDonald's....Yea.....You heard me right...Maccas...The one place I told myself I was finally free from, the stigma that finally washed away after a year of severing ties with the place that had me endure a few years of ridicule and many nicknames. 

The money that I was supposed to spend on paying off my debts....was spent on paying the rent that my parents were supposed to pay for. Are my parents that financially fucked? Why am I the one paying for their mistakes? Why am I the one causing others to suffer because I can't shove my foolish pride away and work at a place I cannot bear to stand in. Why am I so irresponsible? Why do I feel no pain or remorse? Don't answer, none of these questions can really be answered by you....whoever the hell you are.

I wonder if I'll survive this situation with my head held high....or will I be crawling through the scum of society with nothing to support me? I've thought about this for a while....and the only solution I can find is to do the following.

1. Clear my current personal debts to other people by increasing my debt.

2. Find and secure a stable job.

3. Pay off all my other debts.

4. Move out as soon as the last payment is made.

5. Sever ties with my family.

6. Continue my education.

7. Save a significant amount of money.

8. Take some time off.

9. Face the consequences.

Well, it's time I started isn't it? Don't wish me luck, luck hates me and you do too.

Sinking feeling

I think I'm fine now, after a long conversation with someone who's like a sister to me, I have returned to the world of the sane...well at least most of me has, the remaining part of me that is still lost in the dark world of insanity is shackled and sedated. Although I may still be a little off track....I think I've found my resolve again.

I have a hell of a week ahead of me....5 exams next week, 2 assignments due tomorrow, and 2 days worth of very long shifts at a very busy and chaotic music festival right after the exams. No rest for the wicked indeed =/

This was my very first mental breakdown....I'm not proud of it, in fact I hate myself for it.

I've got a few more goals in mind now...and I think that's the only thing keeping me going, preventing me from doing something irreversible, something stupid, something irresponsible, something really really impulsive, something that might scar me for life. Then again...that something could be the best thing I may ever do....but I don't have the the energy or the guts to take an unknown detour. I'm still scared of losing control...I need to be in control of my own actions and thoughts...time to pick up the reins and dig my spurs in.

They say it's not what you do that defines you but it's the company you keep that truly makes you who you are but who the fuck are "they"? And what the fuck do they know about me?

For some reason I think life is like a chaotic stream of emotions, thoughts and experiences, all determined by your own choices, a wrong turn could lead you crashing down a waterfall ending your adventure prematurely. Each of us is a drop of water, when one drop moves in different direction, others are sure to follow the path left behind (Just like watching rain drops on the window). Some of us will choose to ride the momentum into the waterfall, while others will gently wash down into the ocean, contributing in a small but significant way to another speck of life and in turn influencing all those around that life and others beyond it.

As for me, I plan on rushing down the rapids once more. Where I end up is anyone's guess....only time will tell.

I don't understand...I really don't...

Seriously....I can't comprehend what is going on at the moment, these thoughts swirling around my head are colliding with my other thoughts. I can't make heads or tails of the situation I'm in...I feel as if I'm too awake, if that makes any sense =/ In any case I don't know what to do with myself right now...

I think I've run into a crossroads of sorts and I can't decide which direction I'm going to go...At first I thought it was a straight track down to the finish line....but....when has life been easy? =.=

I'm much too aware of what I'm lacking, I need something or someone to ground me before my  mind slips away into some shitty self made mental abyss....fuck this shit...I know too many of my flaws, I say what I'm thinking before I know it....but sometimes I don't know what to say at all, my mind is overrun by things of no consequence and it just makes my mind collapse on itself.

I'm filled with regrets and emotions but I've got a drive that won't let me give up just yet. It's as if I've got a war going on in my own mind...but it's formed a treaty of sorts. Like one side of me urges me to let go, give up, throw it away....but the other side is screaming for me to finish what I started....but it looks like a compromise has been made. I'll reach the finish line....but when I do, I might just give up on everything or I might find another goal....yea...who knows what I'm going to do =/

I wish I wasn't self aware....there are things that you should never be aware ...some things about others I never wanted to know....some things about myself I didn't want to be aware of....these feelings and facts are ripping me apart inside...I don't think I can last holding them in....some one has got to know....I've got to tell some one but not here, not now....I'm far too awake, just knock me out and let me go back to sleep.

Don't force me to be the way you are

I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I AM going to finish my plan! I WILL succeed! I don't care what you think! I don't care if you think I'm going to fail! Even if I fall down, I'll pick myself up and go charging back into the fray with reckless abandon until I get there! I might emerge there bloodied, exhausted and completely fucked up but I will finish what I started!

I know what you're thinking..."WTF!?!? What the fuck is this guy talking about!??!" Well...I'm talking about me making my own way into the event management business/industry. I know it's hard work, I know it's hard to succeed, I know I'm a fucked up guy with shitloads of problems, I know a lot of you think I'm going to give up or fail miserably! YOU KNOW WHAT? LICK ME SIDEWAYS!

I'm over a grand in debt, mentally exhausted and being pressured from a lot of shit but you know....I've never been happier with myself. I've got my goal in sight and I'm willing to do everything I can to achieve it. I'm working as hard as I can and so far, I can't say I've regretted anything this year yet. I love you 2010!!!

Just like all the positions I've played over the years in various sports, I'm going to risk life and limb to keep the game in play. As a goal keeper, I'm not going to let you score a point against my goal. As a catcher, I'm going to plan the game and make sure all my obstacles are struck out. But most importantly...I've got the drive to play!

"They echo deep inside me, there's no need to understand me" - My Favourite Song, Ellegarden

What's in it for me?

Opportunities have come and gone, wishes have been both fulfilled and forgotten, dreams have been shattered and reforged but it's time to make new opportunities, new wishes and carve out a new path for my dreams. This year has been kind of shit in general....but this month has been the worst month I have EVER experienced and I'm glad that both this year and month are going to be over soon. And NO I'm not exaggerating....wanna know why? If your answer was NO then too bad I'm telling you anyway! Leave if you don't wanna know but hear me out a bit...

First of all my family has been through something akin to hell. I was hospitalised because they thought I had cancer...relatives concerned as hell even though I didn't have it...a false alarm of sorts...BUT then my cousin was diagnosed with bowel cancer fuck....he looked so damn weak after the surgery....again with the concern and stress for everyone involved...Don't worry he's fine now but still...shit times

A few months after that my grandma was hospitalised after breaking her hip. I know, I know no big deal she's old, I can honestly say I'm not that worried...but seeing someone lose their mind is more painful than anything I take...even if that person isn't someone I'm particularly close to. Dementia is fucked. There's no other way of putting it. If I develop something that fucks up my mind or makes me lose my precious memories of all things good and bad....something like Alzheimer's SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!! No seriously, shoot me in the head to put me out of my misery. I'm not taking it lying down being pitied and coddled. So anyways...during this period of time which was only a few weeks ago...my mum's dad died. Again not too close to him nor did I really care about him that much. BUT FUCK!!! My mum's breakdown right after hearing the news was more than I could bear...it's only been a few days since we got the news...so she's gone completely mental. Crying for her dad...screaming abuse at both me and my dad....blaming us for his death....falling back on a shit belief system that manipulates its believers through fear....aka christianity. Go die religion, you have no place in the world! So where was I? Right...not only has my mum's pappy dropped dead as well as my dad's mum lost the plot....my favourite uncle has developed cancer as well....shit times when everyone around you resorts to abusing each other to escape from their depression.

While I'm still raving on about escape I might as well tell you how my xmas went =/

Screaming anguish bursts into my ears demolishing whatever calm state of mind I was in...The sound of ceramic shattering across the kitchen followed by the roar of an enraged beast tormented by the abuse spewing forth from one who is in a mentally unstable condition...The sounds come closer...The cry for "help".... alright fuck the story I can;t be fucked writing it creatively. Short summary, mum's gone bonkers, blames dad, screams more abuse at dad, dad tries to stay calm, dad can't take it anymore...throws cup, rages, both argue, mum comes towards my room screaming for help after provoking my dad...I can't pretend to sleep anymore...I get in between the two swearing my ass off at my brother who did nothing but back up my mum...I end up holding back my dad and alternate between telling him to calm down and tell my my mum to shut up. Dad leaves the house to who knows where, mum shuts up and my brother goes to work at maccas...I get dressed and leave to walk in the rain to some unknown destination. Before I know it, I'm at st george leagues club =.= An hour later I get a call from Victor (Xiong) to come over after he's done with work. My xmas is somewhat salvaged by both him and Frank Miao...it's nice to know that there's always a ray of hope in a raging storm.

Ahhh fuck it...screw the bitching....time for a change! Time for new hopes and aspirations! Time to get the fuck outta this hole and away from its fucked up denizens!

Hey....I could fullay make a news years resolution list right about now...I mean why the hell not? I want out and a fresh beginning so...Let's get started NOW!!!

1. Move out
2. Get a job that earns me $20,000-$35,000 per year 
3. Keep said job
4. Learn to save at least $5000 
5. Buy a coffee machine and blender
6. Learn how to make Japanese Cuisine
7. Learn how to make Butter Chicken and possibly other indian curry
8. Earn a decent reputation for something
9. Attempt the Menya Godzilla Ramen Challenge =D
10. Get my Learner's License
11. Learn how to play drums
12. Become more understanding
13. Become more organised
14. Exercise more
15. Finish my costume
16. Cosplay at an anime convention
17. Sell a costume
18. Learn how to dance
19. Go to Japan
20. Work in Japan for a short amount of time

And that's all I can think of at the moment ^^

Anyways, I'd like to thank all my friends, associates and workmates who've provided me with support, kindness and most importantly their presence/existence. I've met a huge variety of people this year...and I think I'll stay in contact with a majority of those people. So what I'd like to say is...Thanks for being there and being who you are! <3 you all! <3s all round! (cept for my family....they can go <3-less)

Let's look forward to a new year filled with new beginning s and plenty of opportunities for us all to grow and succeed!!! 2010! Let's start again!