I am not a maid damnit!

I've been neglecting this for far too long so.....yea might as well do some errr what's it called again? Right right first person stream of consciousness writing or some shit like that. So without any further ado (or at least I hope not) here's a mind blowing account of what I've been up to and when I say mind blowing I mean your mind will explode from the sheer mundaneness of what I type here. Disappointing isn't it? Too bad.

Still working at Covent Garden Hotel so at least I have a somewhat stable source of income. Sweet sweet money ^^ The grumpy manager that's been there for 28+ years is mellowing out around me so that's pretty cool I suppose. Getting along with everyone with the exception of one.....errr won't mention the name but she's...how should I put it....bitchy and whiny. I'm really not looking forward to working with her again this week =/ In other news regarding work...I got one of my mates a job there =D He's only just started training there but he's doing alright =]

In other poorly phrased mundane news about me, I've started to cook more often. I'm thinking about at least cooking twice a week at home for friends and family instead of just randomly cooking when I feel like eating a certain dish. I'm selfish like that =P So this weeks menu will be.....drum roll anyone? Alright, alright I'll get to the point. Here's the damn menu =.=

Entree/Side Dish kind of thing: Wedges, Sour Cream and Sweet Chilli Sauce just because I'm too bloody lazy to make anything fancy as a side =/

Main Dishes: Spicy, Mexican-ish Shepherd's Pie and Spaghetti Bolognaise mainly because I can't be bothered buying too many types of ingredients so shut your pie hole right now....and I didn't mean to use the word pie....lame.

Dessert: Vanilla Ice Cream topped with Cointreau and fresh Berries =]

Good hearty meal with a sweet slightly alcoholic finish. Sounds like a plan. This brings me to something some of my friends have been saying....I would make an epic maid/butler. Great =.= Just because I can cook, make a helluva cocktail and clean among other things does NOT make me a maid! Just thinking about it makes me....well amused and disappointed in what feminism has wrought upon the world. Now how in the bloody world did I manage to make that connection? Oh right....Girls.

Yes you heard me right. Girls. At my tender age of 20 (give it a week alright?) I've noticed that girls my own age just can't look after themselves. Financially and domestically. It must be something to do with feminism. Bear with me while I go on this misguided rant that will probably offend many of the female sex whose culinary skills may or may not be considered hazardous materials that must be sterilised before attempting to consume without fear of death or food poisoning which may lead to serious internal haemorrhaging leading to death.

Yea yea....that MIGHT have been a gross exaggeration but hey a MAJORITY of the girls I know just can't bloody cook. I mean sure they can make scrambled eggs....instant noodles....errr microwavable food and ummm....I think that's it....no wait there's cup-a-soup. Yea I mean sure they can prepare all that and all but I'll be damned if I can find more than 20 girls my age within a 5 kilometre radius that can actually cook a proper meal. Maybe it isn't feminism but whatever...I'm pinning it on the movement that brought us "equal" rights. I'm not sexist. Let's get that fact out of the way. I'm only saying what I've personally seen and heard from the actions and words of the girls that I happen to know. Girls have every right a guy does and they should. BUT! Yes there is a "but" being used in capitals and no proceeding words and exclamation mark there instead, I noticed that before I typed it. Moving along and ignoring my extremely poor use of grammar and spelling...BUT! Girls have more "rights" than guys do. I'll just list a few to give you the gist of it. Errr.....summing it up in a few words is easier so I'll go with this: Girls expect gentlemanly conduct from guys at all times =.= There. That should do it.

What I mean by that is that we of the male species are expected to go above and beyond what we do for our male mates to those of the baffling female gender. Do you ever see the girls of the group shout everyone? I thought not. In some RARE cases you will but in most if not nearly all of the time it never happens. Why you ask? Well this brings me back to my shitty half baked thoughts that I put down before and if I didn't....well here it is: They are bloody spoilt. Now that I think about it...I didn't write that down before so errr.....yea....anyways....Spoilt. Yes. Spoilt. Mummy and Daddy never want their little girl to get their hands dirty so ummmm......fuck I just thought of a whole shitload of other girls I know that aren't =.= Great...ruined my whole point right there....sigh....Wait! Blah blah double standards and crap. Let's just go back to the whole shitty cooking theory and how femnism has SOMETHING to do with it.

So....Girls. With the rise of feminism, many girls have become inept at preparing food which is not already pre-prepared for consumption. Out of the kitchen and into the business world. Or so it seems. It's more like out of the kitchen and into the lounge room waiting to be fed by the guys instead. As girls only need to rely on physical attributes and not much else to attract the opposite sex, they need not polish their skills in any other field if they so choose. Us guys however have to rely on a myriad of ever changing skills and attributes which are a pain to obtain. Ghey....So in any case....Learning how to cook is for all intents and purposes of this random rant a way of surviving in the brutal world of attempting to attract a potential partner. You know what? Screw this post. I'm tired. I'm sore from playing squash too intensively. I came back from work only 3 hours ago and I have class in less than 6 hours. Just looked at the time. 5:30am =.= Fuck it.

I'm just gonna say "All animals are born equal. Some animals are born more equal than others" - Animal Farm

Figure out yourselves. You bloody well should be able to after all that crappy ranting that said almost the exact same thing. Good bloody morning to you all.

Devastating Revelations

Right. So what have I been doing with my life? Failed a few subjects in my course. Kept a job and am looking at a promotion (whee?). Pissed off a fair few people. Got bitch slapped by a stinging rebuke. Damn. That was quick. And short =/ Shit. Errr....well might as well go on and explain the last couple of things since that's more likely to get someone to laugh at my stupidity or pity me forever more. Alternatively you could just not give a shit. That's more likely =]

I talk too much about work, I'm overconfident, I don't know when to be modest, I don't know how to take a compliment, I overreact over the slightest things just for kicks. In other words (her words really): I am an egotistical drama queen. Somehow I thought I would've had more words.....hmmm after effects of being told something I might have been aware of but twice as painful because it's true and from someone I actually give a shit about. No that wasn't from my sis although she reminds me of the fact a fair amount but not in those words =/ 

So I like to talk about what I do....isn't that natural? But I take it too far. That's a given. But fuck....it's not I'm INTENTIONALLY trying to show off or be an ass. Ugh. I know now that my ego has been a sort of barrier against many things like fatigue, stress and apathy. Now that it's deflated and I see myself for what some others see me as I feel as if I've been covering the cracks in myself with paper. Time to ram it full of concrete instead.

Maybe I'll fill my mouth with it while I'm at it.

Contentment is stagnation

It's been.....Hell I don't know when I last attempted to blog so I'll try and make up for lost time by rambling on and on excessively. Let's see...What's changed since I last wrote something here? Hmmm...Well the first thing that pops to mind would be my new job =D I can't believe I took time to think about that hahaha.....Shut up I haven't slept since waking up the day before after working for 3 days straight with minimal sleep alright?! >< Anyways, new job, lack of sleep, attempting to attempt completing my crappy diploma of business, less sleep, loss of weight (HOW!?!? I eat like 4x the normal amount!!), realisation I might have ADHD (I checked the symptoms recently and I fit the descriptions exactly.....Strange...I'll go into this later =]), broken promises, shattered hearts (pfft I'm obviously immune to this.....not .='[ ), misguided thoughts and an increase in my overall lack of sanity. Sounds about right ^^; Let's get on with this shit excuse for....Errrr shit! ....Come on at least shit is useful in fertilising other shit, all my blog does is....Shit on itself? =S

So yea...In case you didn't know, I love money. I'm mercenary. Incredibly mercenary. I would sell my brother for money.....Wait.....Anyone who's met my brother would sell him if he was their sibling....Wait wait hold on that's wrong....Anyone who's met my brother would PAY to get rid of him. Let's not linger on my perceived hatred of my younger fatter hypocritical and extremely likely closet homosexual sibling simply because I won't shut up if I talk about him any longer than.....Fuck it wasn't necessary to begin with. ANYWAYS I have a new job. It pays awesome sauce. By awesome sauce I mean above minimum wage by a fair fuckload =D $15/hr is the minimum wage here in Australia. I get 24 fucking dollars an hour xD What do I do at my job you ask? Pfft as if you didn't know I'm almost obsessed with bartending =.=

So yea, I work at a pub called Covent Garden Hotel. The people are nice, the pub is clean, the beer is always available (unlike some OTHER bar I would mention....), the patrons/customers fairly amiable BUT (yes, there's ALWAYS going to be a "BUT" in any sentence jackass =P) the tips are fairly shit. Yes, you heard me. Despite me getting a sexy rate at 19 years of age I still whinge about how much I get tipped....Well shut the fuck up, I like my money more than I care for your opinion =P In any case, I like the place despite how eccentric some of my female coworkers are...Thanks for the advice Alice....I really needed to know that I shouldn't in your words "Go for the boobies!". Pure poetry =.=

Errr....Yea before getting sidetracked I was errr....ummm....yea.....explaining why I like my job ^^ I get shifts, I get paid, my rate is awesome sauce (it pisses awesome over nearly all my mate's pays =D) and I feel appreciated =] Before I got this job, I assumed all bartenders were competent with cocktails....I was wrong. Pubs don't need em...or so they think =P I got this job thanks in part to my knowledge of cocktails and the manager's current idea of implementing a cocktail menu =D So yea...I'm like the go to guy for cocktails at the bar hahahah. Awesome. I was even asked for my input for the cocktail list =D Damn I feel part of something again...Let's hope I don't screw it up ^^; Still...It feels a bit weird whenever someone orders a shot or cocktail and all the staff instantly look at me....Flattering yea but it's still a bit awkward. I mean I'm the youngest guy there, I'm not used to having more experience than people 5-15 years older than me o__O On the bright side of things...I get massively tipped for cocktails when the rare order comes through =D Shots I don't get tipped much for unfortunately...But cocktails...Oh sweet fucking [insert preferred deity]! Like the guy who ordered Long Island Ice Teas from me for his "friend" because it was HER favourite drink....looked more like a date to me =P So yea, he most likely wanted to impress his date and wanted something she liked. I didn't know about the gal til I went for a smoke break and saw him with his pretty gal =O Errr....sidetracked again zzzz.....Where was I? Right, the tip. So he ordered the Long Islands for himself and his bonnie lass and I charge him $18 simply because we don't have a cocktail button installed (and I cbf'd pressing house spirit 4 times but I do that now for cocktails cuz I don't wanna get fucked over....). So he gives me a $50 note and tells me to keep the change. What. The. Fuck? $32? EH!? WHA!? REALLY?! WHY!?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL! o__O Errr yea....That kinda knocked me off balance >< Totally didn't expect such a big tip. I'm used to getting $10 MAX for a cocktail tip....It only made sense when I noticed the gender of his so called "friend" ;)

Well I might as well be constructive after that bit of random rambling/recounting so I'll type out the cocktail and shooter list complete with instructions! I really can't be fucked to find pictures to accompany them so go find some on google yourself you lazy bastard =P

Please note: The amount specified is MY recipe not the pub's....something about not having more than 60mL in each drink....zzz

Vanilla Caprioska (WAIT I DID THIS BEFORE DIDN'T I!??! Ahhh w/e it was ages ago...I'll do this one the pub's way.....even though I suggested the recipe and modified it to fit in the shitty 60mL limit)

45mL Vodka (Preferably vanilla flavoured but the pub doesn't have it =[ )

15mL Galliano Vanilla 

4 Wedges of Lime (I use a third to almost half a lime =P)

1-2 Tsp Sugar or 10mL Sugar Syrup

Muddle Lime and sugar/syrup in the shaker. Fill with Ice. Add liquor. Shake until shaker is bitingly cold (about 15-20 seconds should do it). Pour all contents into a highball glass (Yes that includes the lime and ice =.=). Garnish with well...fuck it doesn't need it but you can chuck in some maraschino cherries simply because they're awesome =D

Daquiri (Easily modified just like the caprioska. Great variations available just by adding a different liquor and the corresponding fruit =])

60mL Rum (45mL if adding flavours. 15mL of flavoured liquor and about 2 spoonfuls of w/e corresponding fruit)

4 Lime wedges

10mL Sugar Syrup

Soda Water

Muddle Lime and Sugar/Syrup in shaker. Fill with Ice. Add Liquor. Shake til bitingly cold. Strain into a cocktail glass (personally I double/triple strain to get rid of those tiny bits of lime floating around for aesthetics =P). Top with soda water. 

To add flavours: Add fruit to the muddle. Like for a Berry Daquiri, get some berries (raspberries or blackberries or even blueberries....mmmm blueberries....) and add it to the muddle (in other words squashing the living shit out of it to get juices =D). Add berry liqueur after adding ice (something like chambord or blueberry liqueur is just what you need =]). 

I think I'm getting lazy.....argh I'll keep going for the sake of making this post extremely fucking long =D Oh yea...If the shots add up to 60mL, I got lazy and abided by the pub recipes =/

Margarita

45mL Tequila

15mL Cointreau

30mL Lime Juice

Chill the cocktail glass. Fill the shaker with ice. Add all liquids (I'm lazy so shut up I already know it). Shake til the shaker freezes your hand or has a frosty look to it. Rub a slice of lime around the rim of the cocktail glass. Now invert the glass and dip the rim into some salt but not too fucking much. Put the glass upright you idiot and strain the drink into the cocktail glass =P Done.

Cbf with the cosmopolitan. Same shit as margarita. Don't salt rim. Replace tequila with Vodka. Reduce Lime to 15 mL and add 30mL cranberry Juice. Garnish with a wedge of lime. Enjoy =P

Long Island/Beach Ice Tea (The best damn tea you'll ever have. Too bad you can't drink alot of these =[)

15mL Vodka

15mL Cointreau

15mL Gin

15mL Rum

15mL Tequila

30mL Lemon Juice

10mL Sugar Syrup

Coke for Long Island Ice Tea or Cranberry Juice for a Long Beach Ice Tea

Fill shaker with Ice. Add alcohol, sugar syrup and lemon juice. Top with more ice cuz the ice will melt from the alcohol passing through. Shake that shit til it gets freezing =] Strain into a highball glass filled with ice. Top off with Coke for a Long Island or Cranberry Juice for a Long Beach.

Errr...forgot the rest of the cocktail list and I'll do the shots some other time....Damn I'm lazy =/

So yea I think I have ADHD. Check the symptoms. I have them all =/ I never would have guessed. I think it's because of that Hyper concentration trait inherent in all people with ADHD. I have an EXTREME amount of concentration when I'm reading and get into a book WAY too easily so that kind of prevents me from going all stereotypical ADHD on people. But I do exhibit symptoms. Severe restlessness, doing inappropriate things randomly in situations that require serious behaviour, running around for no reason and climbing things randomly, easily distracted, forgetting things easily, etc etc. Weird. My mind does run constantly though even if I look like I'm completely shitted and out of it. Yea...it would explain a lot =/

Anyways....1-2 hours spent on this shitty thing so I'm gonna nap for a few hours and hope my electronic cigarettes have arrived from the US.

Don't get close to me, I'll just disappoint you

Once upon a time I was incredibly socially inept. I did not know what to say or who to say things to. I thought I had grown, matured, learned new things...But it seems that I am still the same retarded person I was back then. I still don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I still don't know when to say something...I haven't learnt anything at all. I'm still a disappointment to many and will most likely continue to be one to many more....Well this proves a fairly large amount of people right. I can't keep promises...To myself or other people. Just punch me in the face if it makes you feel any better. Or ignore me. I'll cope. I'm not that brittle. Sure I'll sprout waterfalls under my eyes but that needn't concern you or anyone else for that matter. I make mistakes. I'M SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LEARN FROM THOSE DAMN MISTAKES. But bloody hell....I sure take a long time to learn even the simplest things...unless there's money involved....

Well now. I've just gathered my thoughts and pulled through my self defeatist attitude and have come to terms with yet another excruciating loss. Unfortunately, this just shows how easily I get over things. I failed, I messed up, w/e, I move on. I'm tired of the whole process. Obviously I fuck up way too often so now I'm a callous wretch. If I'm to be cut off. I'll fall away quickly and roll away from where I'm being cut from. My grieving process is incredibly quick for some odd reason. Maybe because I was a bullied kid who had the nerve to stand up to people. Maybe it's cuz of what I've been through over the last 4 years but there is no way in hell I'm gonna dwell on things that will no longer be relevant. 

My stages of grieving: 1. Denial 2.Bargaining 3. Depression 4. Acceptance 5. Anger at acceptance followed by just Anger then plain old Acceptance. This process takes between 2-5 hours for me. Strange. I must be extremely insensitive. 

Enough boring whoever is reading this. I'm not going to spend another hour or so telling you how screwed up I am cuz you can see that already. So let's get on with my gratuitous self inflating monologue shall we? After I'm done, you're sure to hate me if you don't already! (No sarcasm intended)

Well I've finally landed a STABLE job and it makes me glow a bit on the inside every time I think about this single achievement. A smallish pub on the corner of chinatown filled with white folk. I get a minimum of one shift a week and the pay is decent. $20.04/hr on week days, $24.05 on Saturdays, $28.05 on Sundays and $44.08 on public holidays. Not too shabby. Since I work on Saturday most of the time I get roughly $200 for  my night shift. So yea....Loving it =]

With the job, I can afford to pay off my debts and shit like that. =D Another plus is that I finally got myself to get gym membership =D For a fucking low rate! AHAHAHAHAHA Asian stubborn cheapness is awesome when utilised for contracts ^^ So it'll cost me less than a grand a year to keep my membership =P

Playing squash every monday. Gym right after. Study on tuesdays. Class all of wednesday. Gym and study on thursday. Recreation and possibly work on friday. Work on saturdays and gym if I don't have work the day before. Rest on sundays. That sounds pretty balanced =]

Fuck I can't be fucked writing anymore. I'll do proper post in the weeks to come. That is if I don't get shot or something like that. I won't change the title I put there in the beginning of this post simply because I believe that to be true. But here are some last words. I will not bow (to everyone), I will not break (for long) and I bloody well will get back on my feet if I get pushed down.

Ignore me but make it clear you're gonna ignore me. Once I'm done. I'm moving on. Goodbye and thanks for all the fish.

Inane ramblings: Part 7

Woo Hoo! Back from the capital city of australia! Canberra btw is a mega awesome place compared to sydney and here's my shitty personal reasons why!

1. The people are nicer! People aren't so uptight and are willing to start a conversation on the street. Sydney is like....zzz ignore ignore ignore [insert a "I'm too good for you" look] and complaining kind of place. Loosen up people!

2. Ummmm....the atmosphere, it's so much more laid back and relaxed, no one seems to be in that much of a rush in canberra =D

3. Errr....fuck I've actually forgotten the rest zzz.... forget it. All you need to know is that canberra is awesome =]

Damn, had a really awesome time at canberra. Sean, Jizzy, Ushan (if you're reading this....this ain't a basketball court mate, it's my blog =P) and I went to canberra to celebrate Alisson's (Sean's girlfriend =]) birthday over the weekend. Can't say I didn't love it there cuz to be completely honest, I enjoyed nearly every damn moment ^^

Well we got to canberra at around 4pm EST saturday, 26/06 and we had a nice bacon and errrr....spinach cream sauce and pasta cooked by Alisson for lunch. Too bad Izzy couldn't eat it...religious reasons -sigh- it was pretty good =] So yea... after dumping our shit at Frank n Sam's apartment we went to shop for our dinner ingredients for Alisson's bday dinner.

Here's the menu:

Chicken Con Carne

Serves 4 (We should've doubled the ingredients, this turned out better than we thought it would =D)

60mL Olive Oil

500g Chicken Mince

2 Small Onions

1 Green Capsicum

1 can Peeled Tomatoes

1 can Red Kidney Beans

1 clove Garlic, crushed

1 tbs Tomato Paste

1/4 cup Wine (optional....hehehe...added it just for kicks xD)

2 tsp Chilli Powder

Beef Bou-something has gnogn or someshit in the spelling. Don't ask me, I don't speak french =.=

Serves 6

60-100mL Vegetable Oil

1kg Beef Chuck Steak

10 Baby Onions

400g Button Mushrooms

250mL Beef Stock

250mL Dry Red Wine (fuck it we used about half a litre xD)

1/4 cup Flour

2 Bay Leaves

2tbs Oregano

CRACKED BLACK PEPPERCORNS!!! (Not in this recipe BUT IT WAS AWESOME!!)

3 rashers Bacon (we didn't use this, Izzy is halal so yea....)

A shitload of salt if you're not using the bacon

Chocolate Mousse

Serves 2 (We made enough for like 10-15 people =P)

100g dark chocolate

1 egg

125 mL thick cream

2tsp caster sugar

Yea....it all turned out pretty damn awesome. I really can't be bothered writing down the recipes right now so if you want the instructions you can email me or leave me a comment with your email address attached =P

Cocktail/Drink menu =D

Tequila Sunrise

Half cup Ice

45 mL Tequila

Almost fill with OJ

Dash of Raspberry Cordial

Supposed to serve just one....but...after the bottle dropped down to just a third...HELLO BOTTLE OF EXTRA STRENGTH TEQUILA SUNRISE!! xD

2 x 1L Bottle of Wet Pussy Shots (With substitutions cuz....SOMEBODY didn't buy cranberry juice =.=)

20-30 shots....(10 if you manage to take the bottle away from Ushan)

350mL Vodka

350mL Peach Schnapps

200mL Apple Cranberry Juice (I feel like a failure using this...)

Half a Lemon and Lime (For that extra citrus kick ^^)

Special Birthday Sex on the Beach Variation! (This is like...definitely not made in bars cuz you totally would be fined for the excessive amount of alcohol in it hahahaha....><)

Serves uhhh....ummm....in this case I'll say just ONE =P

Grab a bottle...some kind of water bottle, like those sports water bottles with that pop up lid. Chuck in around 8 large ice cubes.

Pour in 4 seconds worth of Malibu or if you're measuring.....around 2-4 shots

45 or so mL of Vodka

Almost fill with Orange Mango Juice (Supposed to be pineapple juice...but again...SOMEONE didn't buy any =.=)

Dash of Raspberry Cordial (WHY DIDN'T ANYONE BUY ANY CRANBERRY JUICE!?!?!)

Throw bottle into the air and watch them scramble for it~! Just kidding =P

Completely Retarded Kiwi & Rum Slushee~ (I'd say it's similar to a Daquiri)

Serves ???? o___O <

The ingredients are kinda vague to me...I did this while recovering from clubbing that night so...here's a rough guess of what I put in hahaha

6-8 Cups of Ice

1 Chopped Kiwi Fruit (I'm surprised I didn't cut myself ^^;)

1 Lime,- Skin Removed

Quarter bottle of Rum

Errrr....about ¼ cup of sugar? ><

Yea....that one is really vague in my memory...I have no idea why I made that in -3 degree weather...Good idea Bill...making yourself colder when you're pretty fucking cold in the first place >.>

Ugh...I can't remember what I was going to write thanks to my idiot of a brother who pulled my net out while I was typing this out...about a week ago =.= With my shitty capped net I can barely access my blog...Oh wells at least I made some cash off the FIFA World Cup xD

Anyways I really can't be fucked writing anything in any sort of coherent manner so I'll just ramble on and finish in a lil bit. I've been listening to Jet a lot lately, their songs are just so catchy =P DON'T JUDGE ME!!! 1 week after Canberra and I feel kinda iffy, I don't think I'm ok physically...My skin is completely fucked now >< To be fair it was never great to begin with so no real loss there...still it's making me feel like shit, I'll go to the doc's on thursday for a check up =/

Hmm...I'm really envying couples these past few days -sigh- I've been single for what? 19 and a half fucking years. Ugh. I can't be fucked elaborating. It's pointless. Not a single girl is interested. The only time I get their attention is when I'm making drinks or cooking. After that....fucking hell... I feel like a used tool zzzz. And yes I'm rolling my eyes as I'm typing this shit excuse for a blog right now, occasionally doing some curls with my left arm while typing or smoking. Yea....I'm pretty fucking bored....that and I don't have a fucking heater =.= The curls heat my body up and the smoking does that to a certain extent so yea...I feel like a lunatic who won't stop rolling his eyes at his own thoughts. Wow so much for finishing in a lil bit...This is just like a bloody stream of consciousness kind of thing...I think.

Oh yea! Apparently I have a repressed side that'll show itself when I'm in a place where I hardly know anyone =P Tyvm Sam...I really needed to know that...not. Still that's kinda interesting =] Like I'm kind of unsure of how I behave. I know I'm a fucking extrovert a majority of the time...especially in larger groups but for some fucking uncontrollable reason I become withdrawn and quiet when I'm alone with someone. There's so many things I want to say but I don't dare speak it out loud. So many things I want to let you know but I'm scared of how you'll take it...I can't even type up what I want to say just because I'm a too bloody scared of losing contact. Fuck I'm a bloody coward. Time and time again I've been told by many a close friend to fucking man the fuck up and do it already but alas...I am a mere boy unskilled in the arts of errrr....just realised what I was about to type. Fuck.....I'm a fucking coward. I can be myself around everyone except for one person....DAMN IT!

I think I'll just mope for just a little bit.

On another note, I can't look at white Sambuca without feeling sick...I drank so much of that shit that I filled up an entire sink and passed out soon after. Goon and Sambuca do NOT mix well.

This blog post has turned into a cesspit of despair and self pity from an overly happy post of excitement and rejuvenation. How things change in such a short period of time. I'm sure you can spot the transition. Self pity is the stupidest thing I can do to myself and here I am doing just that. Well fuck it. I'm going to have a fucking shower, exercise then make myself feel like less of a failure.

“I don't know anymore, what I need and what for

All I know is there must be something more”

~ La Di Da– Jet  

Inane ramblings: Part 5

I really can't be bothered with the title for some reason. I must be getting lazy....wait that's not news at all, I've always been lazy >< Anyways, I've made a few life choices recently on my personal beliefs and philosophy. One of these choices is not to continue studying at insearch. I really don't seem to see the point of going there at this point in time. I do nothing but laze around and cram at the end of the semester. It's not like I'm learning alot there so yea...I'm going to the institute of commercial management for an events management training course/diploma with real hands on experience. I might regret it in the future but hey it's my life, my choice and possibly my mistake....but it's MY CHOICE and no one else's. If it's a mistake I'll learn something from it, if it's a good decision then hell yea I've done right by me but in either case it'll be me who benefits or loses out.

I'm more than willing to take advice or suggestions but in the end, it's all up to me, I'm no ones play thing to be tossed around and led into paths that aren't my choice..I ain't a fucking drone. Sure I fuck up but no ones perfect and I think I'm repeating myself hahaha oh well at least it's my mistake =P I don't believe in fate or destiny even though life does throw in a few things that might seem like it but yea life is what YOU make it not what someone else makes it, it's ultimately up to YOU to lead your life. Why bother believing that someone is leading your life for you? I mean wouldn't that defeat the whole purpose of living? You make choices, some good some bad and some that are fucked up beyond belief but what ever choice YOU make it'll be YOUR choice and that's what counts ^^

Here's something that just occurred to me...if the proposed internet filter actually get implemented my blog might be one of the blacklisted sites because of government dissent hahaha. Kinda of sad if you think about it =P It'll give me a ego boost if it does though hahaha.

Hmmmm you know....some religions actually make some sort of sense...in theory that is. I was having a discussion with some mates of mine and one of them mentioned one that was about morphic fields? I think that' what it was called but morphic fields are errr....a group consciousness kind of thing that people can tap into and grow together. I like that concept mainly because understanding others would be simplified if morphic fields existed and conflicts wouldn't be such a common occurrence. That reminds me, a few anime series have something similar but with cybernetics and such instead but the concept is pretty similar. Ghost in the Shell is a classic example, can't be bothered going to specifics cuz I've been told my blog posts go for way too long hahaha. Let's see....Real Drive, Gundam 00, Neon Genesis Evangelion (in the human instrumentality plan)....what else...a few shows with telepathy I suppose =/

Ahhhh....I'm feeling restless and somewhat sleepy....fuck it's only 4:30 pm =.= I must be getting old..........or insane. Ah screw it, insanity is sanity and sanity is most definitely a form of insanity. The mundane must have a disease of being normal...life must be dull for them I suppose but then again I'm slightly insane. Rest assured, I will not be the face outside your window =P

The hunt continues

It's been about what? Over half a month since I last blogged? So here I am again, sitting here being irritated by an assortment of issues, some of them random and some of them pretty damn serious....or so I like to believe. Well let's get on with it.

I'm still in debt and still looking for a STABLE job. I've been paying the debt off $50 a week and I can't really complain that much, it's not like I didn't do this to myself but in any case I don't really care about my debt any more, when it's gone, it's gone. More important is my search for a stable source of income which isn't going that well... I think. I've had more than 4 jobs this year and it's not something to be proud of, here's some shit I had to deal with so far:

Calling up for a shift - A major pain in the ass, seriously. Who the hell wants to call up and ask for a shift and then get a reply like "I'm sorry we don't have any shifts available at the moment" or not even getting paid for whatever work you did do. Pain the fucking ass indeed.

Not getting called back AFTER they tell you you've got the job - Right...I don't really need to say anything on this do I? I mean, I called them to remind them I exist and that I want to work...what do I get? "Send me your resume again, I'll call you back" Great....

There's more but FUCK! It irritates me just thinking about it. Continuing on...I've had more job interviews than I can really remember, most of which have people who shitloads more qualified than me...mainly because they're in their mid 20s and 30-40s. No point in trying to compete there hahahaha. Let's see...what else has gone wrong with my interviews? Oh yea, calling myself a job whore when I was asked what my friends would describe me as....damn you Sheryl! I've applied for way too many jobs this year, hell it's bound to have hit the 200 mark by now =/ It hit the 100 mark some time in February.

If you think about how many applications I've made you'd think I would've found a stable job by now ^^; Yea....you'd think that wouldn't you? Clearly you're wrong. In fact applying for all those jobs brings all sorts of consequences like having TWO INTERVIEWS SCHEDULED AT THE SAME TIME! Cancel one and go to the other...great...worst part is PICKING ONE. I know, I shouldn't be complaining, at least I can get an interview....but it's still a pain in the fucking ass.

If you don't know me then you don't know about my work experience so....don't think I'm some whingy gen Y'er that has no qualifications. Been working my ass off since the age of 15 and the longest period of time that I've been unemployed since then has been this shit period of time since January. I am bloody qualified and fuck it all if I don't have the right to be proud of it. I'm a hell of a barista, an inventive cocktail bartender, a sociable manager and most of all I AM....wait...fuck I don't know but I'll figure it out later.

Tomorrow is gonna be one busy day, I'm going to find me a new job....again. Let's see...call up star city and see if they're serious about employing me then pop by the local TAB and ask the manager if he'll take me on and maybe I'll head down to that cafe and see if they still have a position vacant. Hell, who knows what the future has in stall for me but all I know is I'm going to welcome whatever comes with everything that I am.

Food for thought

Well well, it's been a while since I last blogged. Lack of net, random assignments, random cbf moments....wait...random cbf? Che I cbf all the time what the fuck am I on about =/ Anyways, without any further ado let's get to the meaty part of my random thoughts. Yesterday I had a very interesting discussion with Iris on how a person's taste in food can be used to describe a person...and there's some random chinese saying that describes it. It's supposed to be something like if you can't eat bitter foods then you won't be able to deal with the bitter things in life. Interesting no?

Continuing on... I know people say shit like "You are what you eat" and I think that's kinda true. Kids being immature and only know the good things in life (generally speaking) prefer sweet things, as they grow up the kids will learn to enjoy salty things, endure bouts of sourness and eventually learn to taste the bitter sting of defeat without rejecting it completely. What I'm trying to say is...food is a universal language and a person's personal preference in one of the 4 categories of taste says a lot about them.

The four main categories of taste are: Sweet, Salty, Sour and Bitter. Supposedly there's a 5th taste called umami (savoury) but I'll skip that for now. Now for my thoughts =]

Sweet~ Ahhh sweetness, defined by a random article I read in a newspaper as the least refined taste in the world as well as metaphor for happiness. As the least complex and most popular taste, it really does define the people who enjoy sweetness the most. Children = Happy and uncomplicated. I could also say that people in distress (mainly girls) like to have something sweet that reminds them of better times or perhaps even bring them hope for the possibility of happiness in the future. Kind of reminds me of those pampered silly women way past their expiry date, I am of course referring to Pittypat from Gone with the Wind. Silly woman...Read the book it's a good read, thoroughly enjoyable. Oh idealists, fatties and people who choose to ignore anything that isn't good could be the other types of people who like sweet things a bit too much.

Salty~ Saltiness, slightly more refined than the taste of sweetness but still a relatively simple taste compared to bitter and sour. You could say if something tastes salty it's down to earth kind of like how people learn to accept reality (damn christians...continue eating your sweet bread and live in your delusional world -.-), in other words growing up or learning about new things I suppose. I really can't find an adequate explanation for this taste =/

Sour~ Blegh, gah, etc. The initial response to anything sour or even something surprising. A tolerance of sour foods like lemons could mean that a person can deal with things that don't go according to plan in life. But then again, it could reflect what a person is like....like err someone could have a bad disposition to everything acting "sour". Bad sportsmanship for example could be classified as being sour but that could mean that person has not tolerance for anything sour o___O

Bitter~ Apparently it's the taste of poison. It takes time to develop a taste for bitter things like coffee and alcohol making this taste more refined than the others in a way. A person who cannot endure the taste of bitterness can't deal with failure in life, figuratively speaking of course. To really appreciate something bitter, you have to be able to taste it and come out with a better understanding of it. Kind of like problems and failures in life, learning from your mistakes and thinking back on the experience to remind yourself about your lesson. Something like that? Maybe I'm over analysing...meh...continuing on....drinking coffee in the morning, a typically "adult" preference/habit could be a way of reinforcing the value of being able to deal with problems...but then there's the issue of adding sugar. The amount you add determines how much of the problem you can really deal with.

Savoury~ I know I said I'd skip this but....hell it's a good one ^^ Savoury foods...who doesn't enjoy them? I don't know of anyone that doesn't like savoury foods so I'll get to the point. Savouring experiences or prolonging a feeling or whatever you want to call it is what this taste is about. Everyone wants to have fun just that much longer, to enjoy that moment for a little more...it's a taste that no one can deny. People who enjoy too much savoury foods could be called indulgent and errr.....could possibly end up fat =P

Mix and match the tastes and you can see a bit of what a person is like. A guy who consumes a lot of bitter things but eats a sweet cake with it, say....coffee with no sugar could be someone who has had a rough time but dreams of better times. Salt and vinegar on chips! Now that's a combination to randomly go on about! Salty - realistic. Sour - surprise. Savoury - enjoyment. Errr....Living in the real world, likes something a bit out of the ordinary and enjoys life generally ^^; Hahahaha......I shouldn't into it too much, it isn't that accurate but I do honestly believe your preferences in the taste of your food reflect a bit of who you are and how you deal with life. You are what you eat after all =]

Faulty Electronics

I can't sleep, something is still on my mind. Damn it. I'm so....stricken...this isn't right. There's a video playing and the stop button won't work. I feel as if my mind has become a broken dvd player, playing the same dvd over and over with no way of ejecting the disc. Why am I like this? I should be able to accept it and move on...but the fucking eject button won't work!

So many things I wanted to say yet I lacked the guts to do so. So many things I wanted to do but they will never come to pass. One step down one path means leaving the other behind but.....why do I see my own footprints?

I knew the answer. I asked for it even though I knew. I took that answer. That should have been final. But. Why? Why aren't I anywhere near shutting down these “feelings”? Why hasn't the dvd player been unplugged? Why? Why can't I just move the hell on already?

Was listening to:

You Give Me Something – James Morrison
All Your Reasons – Matchbox 20
If My Heart Was A House – Owl City
Unwell – Matchbox 20
How You Remind Me – Nickelback
Addicted – Ellegarden

Well, time to smash the dvd player against the wall and see if that'll eject the disc. Maybe it'll be enough to put me to sleep.

Back from the dead

I'm back....sort of. Now that I'm employed again everything seems a little brighter. It's as if someone has pulled the curtains away from my eyes and shown me what it is to live again. Like I've said many times before: I live off pressure, that is pressure from working and shit like that. So yea...I am now employed at the Manhattan Lounge on Elizabeth St, Martin Place opposite Verandah Bar =D Look for the dark asian guy but don't expect any free drinks you free loading bastards =.=

Anyways, yea my life is looking up =] I got a cab back home from there for only $30 when it normally costs $45-55 ahahhaha then I checked my inbox....Guess what was there =P A successful application to one of my many many many...many....etc job applications online! Apparently I have an interview on monday =/ To go or not to go...hmmm...I do have a job now soooo do I go to the interview or not....Well let's see....I have to do my timetable on monday, tuesday I have to call my boss to arrange my shifts after my timetable is done soooo...I COULD go....FUCK so hard to decide! Somebody help me decide!!!

In any case (I gotta stop saying that....faaah) something tells me my life is looking up =] Soon enough I'll pay off my debts and move the hell outta this shithole I currently call home. Life isn't as bad as it was 20-something hours ago ahahaha....To the guys not talking to me at the moment: I'm working on my life, I'm getting there, I'm fixing my shit up...hopefully....no wait....definitely!

To summarise this whole bragging parade up, I'd just like to say something inspiring, something thought provoking, something you definitely won't find here. Yea....you're not gonna get that something, I really can't be fucked so yea life's a bitch and this one of them lemons so shut up, make some lemonade and when life least expects it....throw the lemonade in its spiteful face =D

Light me up

My logic is shit. There I've said it. My friends have been telling me this for a while but yea...I'm finally admitting it. With the way I think and behave, it's surpising that I'm not on any type of drugs ahahahaha......no seriously I'm NOT on ANY substance =/

So yea, I can't explain things properly to people unless I use random analogies and examples, I randomly say things in conversations that have nothing to do with the topic, I misunderstand what people say, and sometimes....I don't even know what I'm saying myself. Preh random eh?

Now that I've admitted to myself (and to anyone who reads this) that I have a problem, I think I can work on it ahahaha. Looking through my mind is like looking through a kaleidoscope: Everything comes out in a weird and new way....wait...wait....that's a shit example....errr....yea I think I've got a better one! My mind is like a.....fuck lost it =/ Ahh whatever...let's just go with my mind is bloody impossible to comprehend o___O

Hmmm....I should be doing a recap over the last few weeks...but I really can't be bothered ahahaha, the past few weeks have been pretty good to me with all them random opportunities and experiences. Screw it, here's a quick run through (hopefully in chronological order) : Worked at Big Day Out, fullay best job I've done all year (also the first but errr...who gives a shit? =P). Got to listen to some pretty good music while trying to milk some tips out of some potentially drunk suckas....I mean some VERY sober and valuable customers -cough cough- yea....

Went to Kintoki's Australia Day BBQ, was a fullay good way to relax after some long ass hours at BDO. Damn....I wouldn't mind having that every year =] Continuing on...yea we prepared the BBQ practically one day before it happened ahahaha not bad considering the lack of time we put in =DDD Too bad I burnt the chicken on more than one occasion (I should know better by now....) In any case: Thanks for having me Garmon! Sorry about the chicken!!!

Anyways, I'd just like to finish this half assed blog with some errr...you know some...parting thoughts? Well, here we are: Life is like some random food....like.....uhhhh.....mashed potatoes! You take the lumps with the nice pureed stuff.....unless some fullay skilled chef prepared it.....FUCK! Killed my own parting thoughts ahahahaha....damn I suck at this =[

Attempt number 2! .....Actually scrap that....I can't think of a proper analogy =/ Screw this I'm looking for another job first....I need money Q_____Q

WTF I HAVE A BLOG!??!?!

Wow....I knew I had a blog but I fullay forgot the password since my last post over a year ago =O

Summary of time spent away from blog (In no specific order):

• Quit my previous job at George St McDonald's.
• Turned 18 xDDD
• Got a job at San Churo Chocolate Cafe and stayed there for about 6 months....fullay learned how to make a kick ass hot chocolate =]
• Got my RSA and RCG
• Got addicted to anime but somehow avoided being a 100% otaku
• Got my FIRST BAR JOB....man that was one of my highlights of this year, the bar has provided me with so much yet....the owner is fucktard but the general manager is the best guy I've ever worked for =]
• Met many cool people and some douschebags to balance it out....found out how untrustworthy some people are.....grrrr.....
• Stayed in contact with my best mates and made a few mates that I treasure just as much as my oldest mates
• Got a house party of 30+ drunk in under half an hour =P
• Saw my first strip show at work....FOR FREE hahahahaha
• Failed my hsc miserably!!!
• Started attending UTS: Insearch
• Still a heavy smoker
• Still single after 18 years (almost 19 Q___Q)
• Started contemplating opening my own event management company/business
• And alotta shit that I don't recall at this exact moment =]

Anyways....Time to start ^^

It's about 3:30 in the morning and I'm feeling preh normal I suppose =]

This past week has been a hell of a week, met quite a few people some most of which were pretty decent and amiable =]

Monday

Went to fishmarkets with Garmon, Chris, Leith and Garmon's friends xD
Damn the food there was like "Fuck I just creamed myself after one bite" - (Victor Skiba), yea it was that good. I reckon I had fun that day, meeting new people and having random convos (How the hell did talking about cigarettes turn into talking about shrinking vaginas?!??!! HOW AMANDA HOW?!?!?!!?), hearing Garmon and Ibnu singing "My dick in a box" (ahahaha hilarious, I can still hear it in my head) and overall having good time =]

Tuesday

What the hell did I do on Tuesday....? Oh yea! I went to city with Garmon and Leith to find myself a pair of sunglasses and Garmon a set of clothes for the 3z Gintama photoshoot. Don't recall much....The bachelor party on Saturday night killed my brain cells o___O

Skipping Wednesday cuz it's very vague....

Thursday

Went to work at Red Martin's from 6pm til 11pm for a Medical student function =] Man...mega ruined my predetermined image of Medical Students...The old americanised image of med students drinking their asses off to break out from their suppressed society/life and party as if there is no tomorrow.... Damn was I wrong...these guys in their early 20's were drinking Lemon Lime Bitters, Champagne and OJ and very little Tap Beer ==; That image is now shattered forevermore. Thanks to you, you 100% sober and mostly introverted people of St george hospital I will never be quite the same in stereotyping people....I hope you guys don't start breaking out in 3years time when you've become fully qualified doctors...

Anyways, the rest of the night (say 9-10 pm?) was a complete waste of time, doing nothing but try and win money off the pokies with my manager. Sooooo at roughly 11pm when I was supposed to knock off and head home the owner of the bar (who shall remained unamed) decided to give Florian (the manager on shift) a call and started raging for all he was worth at Flo for paying the guys who hadn't been payed for the shift. The dickhead (the owner), started saying shit like "why the fuck did you pay ****,**** and ***?!?!?!" and "Don't pay Bill! Don't pay anyone!!", at that point I realised something that me and Sam (my best mate at work) have been discussing for a while....that was that I should quit the fucked up job. Called up the General Manager (Matt) and asked about my pay and shit, Matt's always been a reliable and trustworthy guy so he gets Florian to pay me for my unpaid work and promises to get my pay for me the next day.

Got home and spent 3 hours searching for and applying for new bar jobs....fuck I'm outta there ==;

Friday

Well....ended up at work at 11am, started my day off with a jager bomb offered by Florian who was on shift once again. Florian is more sick and tired of the owner than me cuz he doesn't get paid for at least half the work he does. Admittedly he doesn't do much on shift....but he has SIX 12 HOUR SHIFTS A WEEK, it's the sheer amount of time that he spends there that makes him worth the money. Anyways, Florian, Cheyne (the head chef) and I just start drinking shots and other shit cuz we know the bar's business is going down the drain and sure enough only SEVEN people show up to have lunch at Red's. Some of my mates turned up for lunch and a drink and we end up having to witness the head chef's rage at the owner over the phone and the whole quitting exchange. But yea that was a day to remember...

Btw I swear that Red's is the ONLY bar that I know of that RUNS OUT OF BEER AND POST MIX COKE! How fucked up does the owner have to be to not order the essentials!?!?

After work, I ended up at Frank's place to play blackjack with Sean, Victor and Jenny. Frank and Victor took turns in being dealer....I milked Victor of at least $70 from $5 in a short amount of time....at that point he was trying to refuse dealing to me hahahahahaha gold.

Got home at around 12 and checked my email....OMFG I GOT A REPLY FROM THE IVY BAR/LOUNGE in less than 12 hours of submitting my application!!!

Good way to end the night =]

Saturday

Omg....I shouldn't have drunk so much on Friday.... Had an accounting exam around midday and forgot half of the shit I knew....

Anyways, went home called up Sam and met him and Cheyne at Kogarah station to meet the rest of teh guys for Florian's bachelor party at the Rocks ^^ On the train we had this full bitching festival about the owner....man no wonder we all wanna quit. So we get out at Circular Quay and started walking to the Lowenbrau to meet up with Florian and Co.

Fuck....we were about 20 minutes early.... Grabbed a table and got ourselves some half steins of Lowenbrau beer (500 mL suckas =P) halfway through my delicious and somewhat refreshing beer....the fucking owner of Red's arrives....acting all friendly and nonchalant after trying not to pay us and Cheyne having quit the previous day. He assumed I was supposed to work at Red's that night but who I am to miss out on attending my very first buck's night!??!!? And who is he to tell me to not go because he wants me to work without paying me!?!?!?

So halfway through my second stein....Florian and his gym mates arrive. Michael and Evan turn out to be pretty cool guys unlike the owner of Red's (fuck it I'm calling him OOR from this point on). So yea....we find ourselves a bigger table outside and order a german platter of food xD Damn that was a good platter....If anyone goes to the Lowenbrau I suggest the Lowenbrau original beer and the mash! Fuck that mash was soooooooooooooo gooooooooooood!!! Well as soon as some chicks sat near our table OOR gets up and starts to chat em up -sigh- philandering bastard...he's fucking married with one kid!!!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! Well you gotta give him credit for having balls =/

At some time past 6 we all head out and grab some taxis to take us to Kirk's Hotal at Pyrmont for the real buck's night! The room we had booked was preh sweet xDD We had 3 topless waitresses serving us food and drink all night ^^
They were really friendly and by the end of the night I was desensitised to the sight of topless women...that's gonna have repercussions in the future....I reckon one day some chick is gonna flash me and I'm just gonna be "meh...seen that....thanks but I don't care..."...Fullay not good =/

Yea so turns out that one of the topless waitresses has had a boob job, though it was hard to tell but then again it's not like I've seen that many ><'

ANYWAYS....continuing on with the night, more guys arrived and we were allchilling and chatting waiting for the main event. Sam, Michael and I had an epic chat about things and how shit works, that was some deep shit we were on about =]

Michael turned out to be a 41 year old mining engineer with a PhD in bio engineering, married with 3 kids and into all things japanese =O

Our conversation went from the banal like society, films and music to the philosophical topics of existence, consciousness and evolution. Michael's belief is that we humans have evolved too quickly and I completely agree. We as a race have only really grown/evolved/advanced over the past thousand years or so. We have been programmed to hunt, kill and dominate....not enough time has passed for us as a race to avoid that part of ourselves, in each and every one of us is the urge to kill and dominate, which is why there are still murders and rapes around the world. No other species on earth likes to kill sheerly for fun and such as we humans. So yea, our brains have a genetic instinct to kill each other and society and rules are just suppressing that =/ Slightly disturbing if you think about it but still a very likely theory... Think about it, it's really been only 40-50 years since we first landed on the moon, invented the internet and all this other shit and the thing is....WE CAN'T COPE AS A RACE!!! All this information and shit that we supposedly "need"....it's just forcing too much into us. Like someone once told me, "we only use around 10-20% of our brains" it's no wonder we can't cope =/

Enough chitter chatter...if you're male you're still thinking about those strippers I mentioned before and you're prolly screaming at the screen going "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TALK ABOUT THE STRIPPERS!?!?!??", well I'm sorry to disappoint you...I'm not gonna be very graphic about it and it's gonna be short...Don't say I didn't warn you =P

Anyways, the strippers. They got there around 11-12? Both blonde and busty. One C cup and one double D minimum. Leather thigh height boots. Wearing G-Strings. Damn hot.

Here we go!

The strippers sat Florian down, and started to do some SnM with him to begin with. Then the slow, sensual stripping of each other in a homo erotic way which can only be achieved by the female sex. And the caressing and exploration of each other with their fingers slowly, surely and undeniably erotic. Then they began to play with each other....with fingers, tongues and lolly pops (yes...lolly pops =P) in ways you boys could imagine and wish to see.....and you girls prolly don't wanna see =P

The next part I'll just give a very vague description....all I'm gonna say is that it involved a double sided phallic object, lubricant and a position that is reminiscent of "scissors". Use your imagination =P

I did warn you it'd be short and vague didn't I?

Sunday

Man...tired and lethargic....pretty sure I drank too much last night....Got up and was supposed to go to Garmon's 3z Photoshoot....but my mum told me I HAD TO HAVE LUNCH WITH MY COUSIN AND AUNT GRRRRRRRRRR!!! So I went....got home and crashed...got up at 5-6pm? and did shit all....SORRY GARMON!!!!

Finished lalalalalalala

So that's my somewhat vague and random week, prolly missing alotta shit in there but that's life you can't have it all so shut up =]

I'll do a proper job of this starting errr soon. It's around 5am in the morning Monday....I have an interview at 3pm for a job at the Ivy Bar/Lounge. So time to sleep ^^

It's my blog, I'll do it my way so here's some parting words from a song that makes perfect sense =]

".....it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I'm just gonna live while I'm alive....IT'S MY LIFE!!!" ~ Bon Jovi - It's my life