What's in it for me?

Opportunities have come and gone, wishes have been both fulfilled and forgotten, dreams have been shattered and reforged but it's time to make new opportunities, new wishes and carve out a new path for my dreams. This year has been kind of shit in general....but this month has been the worst month I have EVER experienced and I'm glad that both this year and month are going to be over soon. And NO I'm not exaggerating....wanna know why? If your answer was NO then too bad I'm telling you anyway! Leave if you don't wanna know but hear me out a bit...

First of all my family has been through something akin to hell. I was hospitalised because they thought I had cancer...relatives concerned as hell even though I didn't have it...a false alarm of sorts...BUT then my cousin was diagnosed with bowel cancer fuck....he looked so damn weak after the surgery....again with the concern and stress for everyone involved...Don't worry he's fine now but still...shit times

A few months after that my grandma was hospitalised after breaking her hip. I know, I know no big deal she's old, I can honestly say I'm not that worried...but seeing someone lose their mind is more painful than anything I take...even if that person isn't someone I'm particularly close to. Dementia is fucked. There's no other way of putting it. If I develop something that fucks up my mind or makes me lose my precious memories of all things good and bad....something like Alzheimer's SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!! No seriously, shoot me in the head to put me out of my misery. I'm not taking it lying down being pitied and coddled. So anyways...during this period of time which was only a few weeks ago...my mum's dad died. Again not too close to him nor did I really care about him that much. BUT FUCK!!! My mum's breakdown right after hearing the news was more than I could bear...it's only been a few days since we got the news...so she's gone completely mental. Crying for her dad...screaming abuse at both me and my dad....blaming us for his death....falling back on a shit belief system that manipulates its believers through fear....aka christianity. Go die religion, you have no place in the world! So where was I? Right...not only has my mum's pappy dropped dead as well as my dad's mum lost the plot....my favourite uncle has developed cancer as well....shit times when everyone around you resorts to abusing each other to escape from their depression.

While I'm still raving on about escape I might as well tell you how my xmas went =/

Screaming anguish bursts into my ears demolishing whatever calm state of mind I was in...The sound of ceramic shattering across the kitchen followed by the roar of an enraged beast tormented by the abuse spewing forth from one who is in a mentally unstable condition...The sounds come closer...The cry for "help".... alright fuck the story I can;t be fucked writing it creatively. Short summary, mum's gone bonkers, blames dad, screams more abuse at dad, dad tries to stay calm, dad can't take it anymore...throws cup, rages, both argue, mum comes towards my room screaming for help after provoking my dad...I can't pretend to sleep anymore...I get in between the two swearing my ass off at my brother who did nothing but back up my mum...I end up holding back my dad and alternate between telling him to calm down and tell my my mum to shut up. Dad leaves the house to who knows where, mum shuts up and my brother goes to work at maccas...I get dressed and leave to walk in the rain to some unknown destination. Before I know it, I'm at st george leagues club =.= An hour later I get a call from Victor (Xiong) to come over after he's done with work. My xmas is somewhat salvaged by both him and Frank Miao...it's nice to know that there's always a ray of hope in a raging storm.

Ahhh fuck it...screw the bitching....time for a change! Time for new hopes and aspirations! Time to get the fuck outta this hole and away from its fucked up denizens!

Hey....I could fullay make a news years resolution list right about now...I mean why the hell not? I want out and a fresh beginning so...Let's get started NOW!!!

1. Move out
2. Get a job that earns me $20,000-$35,000 per year 
3. Keep said job
4. Learn to save at least $5000 
5. Buy a coffee machine and blender
6. Learn how to make Japanese Cuisine
7. Learn how to make Butter Chicken and possibly other indian curry
8. Earn a decent reputation for something
9. Attempt the Menya Godzilla Ramen Challenge =D
10. Get my Learner's License
11. Learn how to play drums
12. Become more understanding
13. Become more organised
14. Exercise more
15. Finish my costume
16. Cosplay at an anime convention
17. Sell a costume
18. Learn how to dance
19. Go to Japan
20. Work in Japan for a short amount of time

And that's all I can think of at the moment ^^

Anyways, I'd like to thank all my friends, associates and workmates who've provided me with support, kindness and most importantly their presence/existence. I've met a huge variety of people this year...and I think I'll stay in contact with a majority of those people. So what I'd like to say is...Thanks for being there and being who you are! <3 you all! <3s all round! (cept for my family....they can go <3-less)

Let's look forward to a new year filled with new beginning s and plenty of opportunities for us all to grow and succeed!!! 2010! Let's start again!

Jingle Bell Blues

The giving and receiving of wrapped goods, the festivities, the holiday cheer, the mythical figures, the sky rocketing retail prices disguised as discounts, the boxing day sales, the time spent with family usually resulting in an ugly argument and the obscene amount of commercialism everywhere. Yes, it's almost Christmas...time for the jolly fat man in red to struggle down that chimney of yours....that is if you even have one =/

Christmas....ahh the memories of being an asian kid who never recieved the extravagant presents that all the white kids got...the memories of my parents bickering over the smallest things...in other words shit times =.=

So yea, Christmas has never been a big or even pleasant thing for me. Every year I pretend to be happy to everyone, greeting nearly everyone I know with a cheerful "Merry Christmas!" which is a good way to avoid spreading my nihilistic feeling to the overwhelmingly cheerful people that I happen to know =/ Then again...It's a great way to milk tips out of an unsuspecting customer/patron at w/e venue/establishment I'm at!

To be honest, I think I'm getting too good at masking my emotions at times...to the point where I don't know how I'm actually feeling sometimes. Maybe I should take up acting...ahhh fuck it acting will get me nowhere....or will it? Well....in any case I've neglected this semi-finished post for about a week now so I should finish it ^^;

I've noticed a pattern when it comes to the ol' family arguments. My mum will bring up shit that has no relevance to the argument whatsoever but that shit she brings up is something both me and my dad believe should stay flushed down. Shit like my hsc results....WTF HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ME LOOKING FOR A JOB!?!? I know they were shit but....come on it's been at least a year since that shit went down. My dad's gambling problems have nothing to do with my grandma being hospital so....once again wtf...my mum is like a regurgitating toilet throwing back up shit and piss all over us when we try to flush our problems away. I think we've all had enough of the toilet analogies for one day so yea back to the point.

Whenever there's an argument everyone gets involved and everyone has their part. Here are the re occurring roles that we play in this fiasco of a drama.

• Mum as the Gullible Tormentor: She's the typical bitch in a way. Will insert comments and bring up issues from the past repetitively during an argument. Zealot of the abominable religion known as Australian Chinese Radio which is a conservative chinese christian radio channel that likes to badmouth everything that does not conform to their beliefs. She'll also pretend to be the victim when she starts to lose ground. May plead for insanity when brought to court.
  
• Dad as the Aged Beserker: Logical and calm until something hits a spot where it shouldn't. With many years of experience in many things (some which should not be revealed), he is patient until someone manages to break through the calm and bring on the inevitable throwing of objects in his raging state. May also plead for insanity when brought to court.
  
• Myself as the Weary Pacifier: He usually observes the conflict until it looks as if the Beserker has reached his limit. The Pacifier will also attempt to stem the abuse spewed forth by the Tormentor resulting in the Pacifier to receive a barrage of abuse as well. Uses himself as a physical meat shield to prevent any physical harm to others. Will plea for insanity if brought to court.
  
• My Younger Brother as the Tormentor's Minion: Loyal to the Tormentor, he is always there to back her up in almost every conflict. Fat and cowardly, he will retreat if the Pacifier shows signs of anger. The Minion will never try to stem the flow abuse that the Tormentor brings forth instead he will try to aggravate both the Beserker and Pacifier using similar insults and comments as the Tormentor herself. Most sane yet most conniving of the family.

In a few words....My family is pretty fucked up =/ Kinda impossible to enjoy the holiday cheer that's everywhere but your own home.

So here I am, 2 days before Xmas finishing up a blog while family members all around the world seem to be getting hospitalised. The family members in question are: My grandma (dad's side), Uncle (dad's side), Granddad (mum's side) and my cousing was for a short period of time...So yea my family has had a shit run of luck this year fml...

Fuck this I'm jumping ship when the opportunity presents itself.... And guess what? An opportunity has presented itself! I'll tell you about that some other time but for now... 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER ONE THAN ME!!!

Employed again!

Damn...These past two weeks have been like an emotional roller coaster...Was fullay depressed about not having a job after I quit it. Don't get me wrong....I couldn't have stayed at red's for much longer, I was happy that I left an unstable and shifty job but I've been almost constantly employed for the last 4 years of my life and the feeling of unemployment was both irritating and errr.....empty? Iono...I just feel that I need a job to fulfill some sort of subconscious requirement or maybe I'm just used to having shit all free time then again....I think I like having shit all free time to myself =/ I mean...I think that I live off the pressure of not having enough time to do shit otherwise I fall to pieces....does that even make sense???


Ah whatever...so yea, I've got a new job at a hospitality recruitment agency, not as a recruiter but as was one of the recruited. The basic gist of my new job is as follows: 

• I call up for a shift/job
• The agency offers me a job, I can accept or reject the job =D
• If I accept said job, the agency tells me the time, location, what to wear and what to bring along.
• That's it!

Sound good? Well...IT IS!!! Too bad about the strict policies....no smoking (no such thing as a 5 minute smoke break >.<), no chewing of gum, must have short tidy hair, any misbehavior results in being fired like immediately ....shit like that =/


Anyways, I had my first shift on the 11th at The Rocks. Preh good gig...here's a brief overview of my night =P

• Arrived there at around 5pm for my check-in with the agency
• Waited around UNPAID for an hour!!! Time spent between check-ins and official start time don't get paid....ghey...spent the time socialising with my new workmates most of them recently employed like myself lol. Had a lil bit of fun teaching this cute brunette how to tie a tie ahahahahaha fun =]
  
• Sooooo at around 6 we all got assigned our positions for the night. Got assigned as a food attendant for an extremely small area like...really small...just the entrance area but I suppose that area is the busiest in terms of providing food to the patrons =/
• Waited around for another hour for the all you can eat and drink party...this time PAID for waiting around!
• At around 7pm, started bringing out food for the patrons....DAMN THAT FOOD LOOKED AND SMELLED GOOD!!! LUCKY BASTARDS!!!
• Walked around with platters on my arm offering food to all those lucky bastards ^^;
• Started random conversations with aforementioned lucky bastards, most of which were friendly...even a lil flirtatious ;)
• At around 10, everyone was pretty much serving wine, topping up glasses or doing glassy work.
• Errr...at 10:30(???) desserts were brought out. Tiny ass gelato or someshit on an equally tiny cone. The plate had some errr....liquid that was reacting with dry ice creating the "steam" making the dish look v.v.very sexy and appetising especially to them gals =P
• Spent the last 10 or so minutes of my shift hanging around the dance area looking for glasses....and errr some....harmless fun that involved some fine brunette to accidentally spill some wine on me and lick it off ^^;
• At 11pm we all signed out for the night. First thing a majority of us did as soon as we took a step out of the venue was.....LIGHT THE FUCK UP!!! No nicotine for 5 hours is a pain in the ass!!!

So yea...you could say I had some fun during my first shift for the agency =D A lil bit of harmless flirting never hurt anyone....right...? RIGHT!??!?! -cough- Err....where was I? Yea...the brunette, she was cute =] Bit short...slim, nice errr....derriere. Umm...probably offending some random chick that might just be reading this so yea....gonna stop with the description >.>



I think I'm getting too cocky when I work.... Must have caught it back in my previous job =/ Meh, still...gotta love being able to grab someone's attention after a few quick words, too bad I don't know what to do next ahahahahahaha...ha....ha....fuck I'm screwed ^^;


It looks like I'll have plenty of opportunities to learn though....so I think I'll pick up whatever I need to know from this job....It sure has potential =D

You. Me. Let's....! Ah forget about it...

I've never been good with girls...well...that's not really entirely true but for the sake of this blog, let's just go with that =/

Let me lay down the facts right in front you so you don't get lost later on...

- I have been single for all of my life...all 18(almost 19) years of it

- I have been rejected enough times that I know when a girl isn't interested just by her tone of the first word she says in response to me asking her out.

Let's get on with it shall we?

Whenever there's some girl I find to be interesting/attractive I just shrug it off these days....maybe it's because I've realised one too many things....or maybe it's because I fear rejection because the pain of it still scars me emotionally. But I've learned quite a few things as a result of these heart breaking rejections. One of them is that persistence NEVER EVER pays off, no matter what girls say. Lingering feelings for someone who rejected you should be thrown in the trash as soon as you realise they're there. It's kinda like....saving that sandwich that gave you indigestion the first time around...when you come back to it, it's still gonna give you indigestion the second time around no matter how much you blame it on the drink you had with it last time, in fact it's gonna fuck your stomach up even more this time cuz it's been rotting since the day you first attempted to eat it. Girls I know tend to say "You still have feelings for ******? Awww....Isn't that sweet?" To answer the second half of the question....No, it's fucking bitter like that rotting sandwich I mentioned earlier.

That brings me to my second point...I will never trust advice on getting a girl from another girl and I will never ever accept the "Don't worry, you'll find someone" bullshit that comes from a smug couple who thinks they know everything about you. You know who you are....

Moving along...50% of girls I've been attracted to have been "snagged" already and the other half have been worst liars I've yet to meet. For the girls who already have a boyfriend ATTACH A SIGN THAT SAYS ATTACHED OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT!!! WE'RE (I believe I speak for alotta guys here =]) SICK OF FINDING OUT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AFTER WE GO THROUGH THE DAUNTING TASK OF ASKING YOU OUT!!! -cough- So where was I? Oh, right the second half of the equation...I know you don't want to hurt my feelings when you say some bullshit like "I don't wanna lose you as a friend..." or "I'm not ready for this..." but for fuck's sake....can I have an honest answer for once? Is it too much to ask? Am I too unattractive for you? Am I too much of a dickhead? A simple dead honest answer will incapacitate me for a while....but at least I'll know what the fuck is wrong with me and not leave me with those unanswered questions that lead to more insecurities...I'm not trying to be mean or anything when I say this but you're worse than those bitchy girls to me, at least a bitch tells it as it is. Kinda sad when you think about it =.=

So anyways...I've given up on finding a girlfriend, I realise that won't find someone who I'm interested in who somehow happens to also be interested in me. It's not as if I've turned gay or anything like that (but life would be so much easier if I were -.-)...it's just that I've become too tired of chasing after someone who won't reciprocate my genuine feelings. Fuck the chase...I can't be fucked to do the work...for once in my life I want to be the one chased but even if that happens....I doubt I'll care, I'm beyond caring about something I've never had or unlikely to have.

Some day, I might just settle for some one who I have no interest in simply because she was who was available at the time...I'll put my all into the relationship but... my heart won't be in it (corny/cheesy w/e you wanna call it...I know), that's for sure and I'm pretty damn certain she'll realise that....Soooo...I'm just settling for a life as a single dickhead living one step at a time.

If you're even remotely interested in me, let's see if you can match my pace.

familiar woes

Considering how much I say I'm being oppressed by my parents/family I don't think I've ever expanded on it here on this blog =/

So I might as well do it now while I'm on the train to class ==;

Where to begin.....where to begin....Ahh...I think that's a good place to start....Here it is:

My parents are simply chinese parents who expect me to perform well above their expectation and well above any other kid....just like every asian parent out there but there's one vital difference! For huge chunk of my life, we unlike most other asian families have been mostly financially unstable....In other words, not that well off. Things have kinda stabilised now but....for how long?

These financial problems all began when we opened a suit shop in a out-of-the-way street which lacked any business whatsoever....That was also where we as a family lived for a period of 5-7 years....my memories of that place have been somewhat blurred since I've been suppressing some of my own memories but I digress... Anyways, at that point in time we had slightly higher than average income, yumcha lunches on every weekend, dinners at the chinese restaurant nearly every night. Driving around a BMW sedan and generally splurging out on anyone but the kids strangely enough. Yup....we were pretty well off....At the beginning that is...

And this is where my dad's gambling got out of control.....I don't know the details that well as I was only in my single digits...All I remember is waiting for my parents to come home at very late times because well....I was a scared little boy with nothing to interact with but my fat younger brother who slept like a log and my beloved teddy bear which I clutched to my chest at almost every opportunity (I think I still do occasionally....) but yea....Now that I look back on it, I realise what they were doing late at night....why we always went to the local RSL for dinner on wednesdays and why we left our humble abode....all because of my parents' gambling addiction...if I think about it....it was actually both of them no matter how much my mum likes to blame my dad....

So anyways....there began the age of constant quarrels and everylittle thing was judged by the other parent and as a child I obviously understood next to nothing =/ But now....it's just a pain in the ass to remember....no tears but a lot of pent up rage at my parents' stupidity.

So eventually we moved to place where I currently reside, it's a nice place, I've learned all the back streets and have an adequate experience residing here for the past 10 or so years....but we had those bills and debts to pay off...It was a depressing period of time for me....the only time I ever got a toy or game or whatever the fuck I got....was when my dad hit it big on those damned gambling machines....I may seem hypocritical in saying this, but I set my limits when I go gambling so shut up about me!

So where was I? Oh right...my parents and their gambling.....I can't be bothered expanding on that, you get the picture already... So on to other things!!

My parents are constantly berating me for sleeping in on days I really can't be bothered going to class or whatever....I don't mind this but it gets a bit much when your mum brings up random things that have no relevance to me sleeping in. My mum....poor gullible fool...she'll believe anything she hears on her trusted chinese radio station....fuck....Everything she hears from tehre she'll believe. I remember when she said I was on drugs and kept screaming at me for "lying" back when I was 16 years old, now she says I'll get brain cancer from listening to my headphones among other bizarre and unexpected things. How I hate that radio station....if it weren't for society and its rules I would totally destroy that place....along with every chinese capable radio in australia.

So yea....I've lost my line of thought since I put my laptop in my bag....If you haven't guessed by now, I'm actually blogging in class =]

One thing I firmly believe in, I don't think you need a tertiary degree to succeed in business or in life. There are many people who succeed just fine on their own will and determination to succeed, all those guys with ideas who somehow implement them and get epicly rich kill off this idea that you need good grades to make your money etc. So I hate it when my parents keep telling me to study study STUDY!!! I know I need some education, like the essentials for something I wanna do. In my case it's accounting and some management skills but that's about it. I know how important the skills and knowledge are cuz I don't wanna be fucked over by some dickhead accountant so yea, education is necessary but it's not completely vital to succeed. You don't need to be the top of the class to kick the top no-lifer's ass so fuck it. I'll study when I need to and how I want to!!! Fuck my parent's expectations I don't care. I just wanna open up my own event management company as well as my own bar/restaurant so I DON'T NEED TO COME FIRST IN EVERY FUCKING SUBJECT!!! I AIN'T CUT OUT FOR STUDYING!!!!

Nuf said =]