I am scum. Yes. Scum. No matter what people do for me, I can never do anything right for them in return. There is something wrong with me. No doubt about it.
I've been told I like to push things like...I'll keep doing something until it's almost unbearable. I used to think I knew when to stop but clearly I don't. It's just like that random article said; I have a high tolerance for risk because there's something wrong with my brain or at least the logical part of my brain. I don't feel as much fear or remorse as normal people do....it's unnatural. Sure, I try to fix things up but...I'm too easily sidetracked by things that don't matter as much as what I'm supposed to be doing. In the end, I just fuck things up =/
Although it may seem impossible to change who I am, I have to try otherwise it's just going to be a cycle of me fucking everything up. I've already lost irreplaceable things in my life, it's almost as if I have nothing left but I have to learn to stand on my own two feet. I can't rely on other people to lift me out of a ditch every time I walk off the road...I have to do it myself. Who knows how long it'll take but what else can I do?
The only thing keeping me walking is the thought of money. If I can't keep anything else in my life, I can at least devote myself to making myself a decent buck even if it means working in a dead end job. In any case, I'll just put on a happy facade for everyone to see. No one needs to know that I'm stuck in another hole...just walk on by there's nothing to see here.
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