Don't get close to me, I'll just disappoint you

Once upon a time I was incredibly socially inept. I did not know what to say or who to say things to. I thought I had grown, matured, learned new things...But it seems that I am still the same retarded person I was back then. I still don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I still don't know when to say something...I haven't learnt anything at all. I'm still a disappointment to many and will most likely continue to be one to many more....Well this proves a fairly large amount of people right. I can't keep promises...To myself or other people. Just punch me in the face if it makes you feel any better. Or ignore me. I'll cope. I'm not that brittle. Sure I'll sprout waterfalls under my eyes but that needn't concern you or anyone else for that matter. I make mistakes. I'M SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LEARN FROM THOSE DAMN MISTAKES. But bloody hell....I sure take a long time to learn even the simplest things...unless there's money involved....

Well now. I've just gathered my thoughts and pulled through my self defeatist attitude and have come to terms with yet another excruciating loss. Unfortunately, this just shows how easily I get over things. I failed, I messed up, w/e, I move on. I'm tired of the whole process. Obviously I fuck up way too often so now I'm a callous wretch. If I'm to be cut off. I'll fall away quickly and roll away from where I'm being cut from. My grieving process is incredibly quick for some odd reason. Maybe because I was a bullied kid who had the nerve to stand up to people. Maybe it's cuz of what I've been through over the last 4 years but there is no way in hell I'm gonna dwell on things that will no longer be relevant. 

My stages of grieving: 1. Denial 2.Bargaining 3. Depression 4. Acceptance 5. Anger at acceptance followed by just Anger then plain old Acceptance. This process takes between 2-5 hours for me. Strange. I must be extremely insensitive. 

Enough boring whoever is reading this. I'm not going to spend another hour or so telling you how screwed up I am cuz you can see that already. So let's get on with my gratuitous self inflating monologue shall we? After I'm done, you're sure to hate me if you don't already! (No sarcasm intended)

Well I've finally landed a STABLE job and it makes me glow a bit on the inside every time I think about this single achievement. A smallish pub on the corner of chinatown filled with white folk. I get a minimum of one shift a week and the pay is decent. $20.04/hr on week days, $24.05 on Saturdays, $28.05 on Sundays and $44.08 on public holidays. Not too shabby. Since I work on Saturday most of the time I get roughly $200 for  my night shift. So yea....Loving it =]

With the job, I can afford to pay off my debts and shit like that. =D Another plus is that I finally got myself to get gym membership =D For a fucking low rate! AHAHAHAHAHA Asian stubborn cheapness is awesome when utilised for contracts ^^ So it'll cost me less than a grand a year to keep my membership =P

Playing squash every monday. Gym right after. Study on tuesdays. Class all of wednesday. Gym and study on thursday. Recreation and possibly work on friday. Work on saturdays and gym if I don't have work the day before. Rest on sundays. That sounds pretty balanced =]

Fuck I can't be fucked writing anymore. I'll do proper post in the weeks to come. That is if I don't get shot or something like that. I won't change the title I put there in the beginning of this post simply because I believe that to be true. But here are some last words. I will not bow (to everyone), I will not break (for long) and I bloody well will get back on my feet if I get pushed down.

Ignore me but make it clear you're gonna ignore me. Once I'm done. I'm moving on. Goodbye and thanks for all the fish.

Inane ramblings: Part 7

Woo Hoo! Back from the capital city of australia! Canberra btw is a mega awesome place compared to sydney and here's my shitty personal reasons why!

1. The people are nicer! People aren't so uptight and are willing to start a conversation on the street. Sydney is like....zzz ignore ignore ignore [insert a "I'm too good for you" look] and complaining kind of place. Loosen up people!

2. Ummmm....the atmosphere, it's so much more laid back and relaxed, no one seems to be in that much of a rush in canberra =D

3. Errr....fuck I've actually forgotten the rest zzz.... forget it. All you need to know is that canberra is awesome =]

Damn, had a really awesome time at canberra. Sean, Jizzy, Ushan (if you're reading this....this ain't a basketball court mate, it's my blog =P) and I went to canberra to celebrate Alisson's (Sean's girlfriend =]) birthday over the weekend. Can't say I didn't love it there cuz to be completely honest, I enjoyed nearly every damn moment ^^

Well we got to canberra at around 4pm EST saturday, 26/06 and we had a nice bacon and errrr....spinach cream sauce and pasta cooked by Alisson for lunch. Too bad Izzy couldn't eat it...religious reasons -sigh- it was pretty good =] So yea... after dumping our shit at Frank n Sam's apartment we went to shop for our dinner ingredients for Alisson's bday dinner.

Here's the menu:

Chicken Con Carne

Serves 4 (We should've doubled the ingredients, this turned out better than we thought it would =D)

60mL Olive Oil

500g Chicken Mince

2 Small Onions

1 Green Capsicum

1 can Peeled Tomatoes

1 can Red Kidney Beans

1 clove Garlic, crushed

1 tbs Tomato Paste

1/4 cup Wine (optional....hehehe...added it just for kicks xD)

2 tsp Chilli Powder

Beef Bou-something has gnogn or someshit in the spelling. Don't ask me, I don't speak french =.=

Serves 6

60-100mL Vegetable Oil

1kg Beef Chuck Steak

10 Baby Onions

400g Button Mushrooms

250mL Beef Stock

250mL Dry Red Wine (fuck it we used about half a litre xD)

1/4 cup Flour

2 Bay Leaves

2tbs Oregano

CRACKED BLACK PEPPERCORNS!!! (Not in this recipe BUT IT WAS AWESOME!!)

3 rashers Bacon (we didn't use this, Izzy is halal so yea....)

A shitload of salt if you're not using the bacon

Chocolate Mousse

Serves 2 (We made enough for like 10-15 people =P)

100g dark chocolate

1 egg

125 mL thick cream

2tsp caster sugar

Yea....it all turned out pretty damn awesome. I really can't be bothered writing down the recipes right now so if you want the instructions you can email me or leave me a comment with your email address attached =P

Cocktail/Drink menu =D

Tequila Sunrise

Half cup Ice

45 mL Tequila

Almost fill with OJ

Dash of Raspberry Cordial

Supposed to serve just one....but...after the bottle dropped down to just a third...HELLO BOTTLE OF EXTRA STRENGTH TEQUILA SUNRISE!! xD

2 x 1L Bottle of Wet Pussy Shots (With substitutions cuz....SOMEBODY didn't buy cranberry juice =.=)

20-30 shots....(10 if you manage to take the bottle away from Ushan)

350mL Vodka

350mL Peach Schnapps

200mL Apple Cranberry Juice (I feel like a failure using this...)

Half a Lemon and Lime (For that extra citrus kick ^^)

Special Birthday Sex on the Beach Variation! (This is like...definitely not made in bars cuz you totally would be fined for the excessive amount of alcohol in it hahahaha....><)

Serves uhhh....ummm....in this case I'll say just ONE =P

Grab a bottle...some kind of water bottle, like those sports water bottles with that pop up lid. Chuck in around 8 large ice cubes.

Pour in 4 seconds worth of Malibu or if you're measuring.....around 2-4 shots

45 or so mL of Vodka

Almost fill with Orange Mango Juice (Supposed to be pineapple juice...but again...SOMEONE didn't buy any =.=)

Dash of Raspberry Cordial (WHY DIDN'T ANYONE BUY ANY CRANBERRY JUICE!?!?!)

Throw bottle into the air and watch them scramble for it~! Just kidding =P

Completely Retarded Kiwi & Rum Slushee~ (I'd say it's similar to a Daquiri)

Serves ???? o___O <

The ingredients are kinda vague to me...I did this while recovering from clubbing that night so...here's a rough guess of what I put in hahaha

6-8 Cups of Ice

1 Chopped Kiwi Fruit (I'm surprised I didn't cut myself ^^;)

1 Lime,- Skin Removed

Quarter bottle of Rum

Errrr....about ¼ cup of sugar? ><

Yea....that one is really vague in my memory...I have no idea why I made that in -3 degree weather...Good idea Bill...making yourself colder when you're pretty fucking cold in the first place >.>

Ugh...I can't remember what I was going to write thanks to my idiot of a brother who pulled my net out while I was typing this out...about a week ago =.= With my shitty capped net I can barely access my blog...Oh wells at least I made some cash off the FIFA World Cup xD

Anyways I really can't be fucked writing anything in any sort of coherent manner so I'll just ramble on and finish in a lil bit. I've been listening to Jet a lot lately, their songs are just so catchy =P DON'T JUDGE ME!!! 1 week after Canberra and I feel kinda iffy, I don't think I'm ok physically...My skin is completely fucked now >< To be fair it was never great to begin with so no real loss there...still it's making me feel like shit, I'll go to the doc's on thursday for a check up =/

Hmm...I'm really envying couples these past few days -sigh- I've been single for what? 19 and a half fucking years. Ugh. I can't be fucked elaborating. It's pointless. Not a single girl is interested. The only time I get their attention is when I'm making drinks or cooking. After that....fucking hell... I feel like a used tool zzzz. And yes I'm rolling my eyes as I'm typing this shit excuse for a blog right now, occasionally doing some curls with my left arm while typing or smoking. Yea....I'm pretty fucking bored....that and I don't have a fucking heater =.= The curls heat my body up and the smoking does that to a certain extent so yea...I feel like a lunatic who won't stop rolling his eyes at his own thoughts. Wow so much for finishing in a lil bit...This is just like a bloody stream of consciousness kind of thing...I think.

Oh yea! Apparently I have a repressed side that'll show itself when I'm in a place where I hardly know anyone =P Tyvm Sam...I really needed to know that...not. Still that's kinda interesting =] Like I'm kind of unsure of how I behave. I know I'm a fucking extrovert a majority of the time...especially in larger groups but for some fucking uncontrollable reason I become withdrawn and quiet when I'm alone with someone. There's so many things I want to say but I don't dare speak it out loud. So many things I want to let you know but I'm scared of how you'll take it...I can't even type up what I want to say just because I'm a too bloody scared of losing contact. Fuck I'm a bloody coward. Time and time again I've been told by many a close friend to fucking man the fuck up and do it already but alas...I am a mere boy unskilled in the arts of errrr....just realised what I was about to type. Fuck.....I'm a fucking coward. I can be myself around everyone except for one person....DAMN IT!

I think I'll just mope for just a little bit.

On another note, I can't look at white Sambuca without feeling sick...I drank so much of that shit that I filled up an entire sink and passed out soon after. Goon and Sambuca do NOT mix well.

This blog post has turned into a cesspit of despair and self pity from an overly happy post of excitement and rejuvenation. How things change in such a short period of time. I'm sure you can spot the transition. Self pity is the stupidest thing I can do to myself and here I am doing just that. Well fuck it. I'm going to have a fucking shower, exercise then make myself feel like less of a failure.

“I don't know anymore, what I need and what for

All I know is there must be something more”

~ La Di Da– Jet  

Inane ramblings: Part 6

Well..I'm going back to work at maccas. Yea....Say what you will. I'm ramming my pride down my throat and doing what needs to be done. I'm strapped for cash. Really strapped for cash. I'm not going to rely on the government or my parents to support me. I'm too stubborn to rely on someone else to do everything for me.

Well....this is pretty fucked up. It's back to being McBill again. Never thought that would happen....oh wells. Shit happens. Hope this is for the best.

Wish me luck in finding another job soon!

Alternatively, you could help me find a decent paying stable job =]

Inane ramblings: Part 5

I really can't be bothered with the title for some reason. I must be getting lazy....wait that's not news at all, I've always been lazy >< Anyways, I've made a few life choices recently on my personal beliefs and philosophy. One of these choices is not to continue studying at insearch. I really don't seem to see the point of going there at this point in time. I do nothing but laze around and cram at the end of the semester. It's not like I'm learning alot there so yea...I'm going to the institute of commercial management for an events management training course/diploma with real hands on experience. I might regret it in the future but hey it's my life, my choice and possibly my mistake....but it's MY CHOICE and no one else's. If it's a mistake I'll learn something from it, if it's a good decision then hell yea I've done right by me but in either case it'll be me who benefits or loses out.

I'm more than willing to take advice or suggestions but in the end, it's all up to me, I'm no ones play thing to be tossed around and led into paths that aren't my choice..I ain't a fucking drone. Sure I fuck up but no ones perfect and I think I'm repeating myself hahaha oh well at least it's my mistake =P I don't believe in fate or destiny even though life does throw in a few things that might seem like it but yea life is what YOU make it not what someone else makes it, it's ultimately up to YOU to lead your life. Why bother believing that someone is leading your life for you? I mean wouldn't that defeat the whole purpose of living? You make choices, some good some bad and some that are fucked up beyond belief but what ever choice YOU make it'll be YOUR choice and that's what counts ^^

Here's something that just occurred to me...if the proposed internet filter actually get implemented my blog might be one of the blacklisted sites because of government dissent hahaha. Kinda of sad if you think about it =P It'll give me a ego boost if it does though hahaha.

Hmmmm you know....some religions actually make some sort of sense...in theory that is. I was having a discussion with some mates of mine and one of them mentioned one that was about morphic fields? I think that' what it was called but morphic fields are errr....a group consciousness kind of thing that people can tap into and grow together. I like that concept mainly because understanding others would be simplified if morphic fields existed and conflicts wouldn't be such a common occurrence. That reminds me, a few anime series have something similar but with cybernetics and such instead but the concept is pretty similar. Ghost in the Shell is a classic example, can't be bothered going to specifics cuz I've been told my blog posts go for way too long hahaha. Let's see....Real Drive, Gundam 00, Neon Genesis Evangelion (in the human instrumentality plan)....what else...a few shows with telepathy I suppose =/

Ahhhh....I'm feeling restless and somewhat sleepy....fuck it's only 4:30 pm =.= I must be getting old..........or insane. Ah screw it, insanity is sanity and sanity is most definitely a form of insanity. The mundane must have a disease of being normal...life must be dull for them I suppose but then again I'm slightly insane. Rest assured, I will not be the face outside your window =P

Inane ramblings: Part 4

Well well well, it's a new money....I mean new month filled with money sorry, many opportunities for the common job seeker and uni student. Good news! I have a new job! But...will it last? =/ Anyways, it's the beginning of another month and almost end of financial year so yea it's time for all those slackers out there to look for a job right now. IT'S END OF FINANCIAL YEAR FFS! This is the time of year when employers are looking for new employees...errr...more specifically mid june to early july. It's cuz alot of people leave their jobs right around this time of year....dunno why maybe cuz it's winter and it's summer overseas o__O But yea now is the time to get a job, or at least attempting to...

Anyways here's a few tips for anyone with very little experience looking for a job...trust me you'll want these =]

1. ALWAYS TALK TO THE MANAGER!! Don't even bother with asking an employee for a job, when you find a place you want to work at, ask for a manager (or licensee if it's a licensed venue, usually one and the same though) and ask the MANAGER if they are hiring. NOT the employee. The MANAGER.

And this is why: The employee could lose your resume, shred it, throw it away, forget about it chuck it on some pile or even eat it...cmon some people eat paper alright? Continuing on...The manager has no fucking clue to who the fuck YOU are if you don't meet them in person, it's kinda like ordering some random foreign food off a menu without pictures or descriptions....You don't know what you're getting. Talking to the manager also helps cuz it's almost like an informal interview =] They ask about you, get to know you a bit and yea....you're better off than the guy who just dropped off his resume w/o thinking about it.

2. DON'T WASTE RESUMES/PAPER! Printing off a shitload of resumes can be a good idea....IF you have no idea where the hell you wanna work. But if you're talking to the managers instead of the staff, you'll know if they're interested or not. If they're not interested then forget giving them a resume, it'll save you shitloads of money in the long run. When you've applied for over 15 jobs in one day for an extended amount of time, you'll know what I mean...


3. DON'T BE TOO FUCKING PICKY!! Unless of course you already have experience....1 week of work experience in high school does NOT count =.= Pick something small to begin with, something that might not pay well....something that others might not wanna do. Who needs to give a fuck about what anyone thinks about where you work or what you do there as long as YOU are getting paid and getting valuable EXPERIENCE. Make a deal or something, take less pay for like a month or some shit to get into their good books and get the experience you need to move on. 6 months is ok-ish but it's better to have a year's worth of experience. The optimal amount of experience at a place is between 18-24 months =P


4. BE CONFIDENT!!!! I cannot stress this point enough. I don't mean in their face confident or being a complete dickhead. I mean being confident enough to talk about yourself, sell yourself a bit, twist the truth a little...A LITTLE BIT but not an outright lie. Show that you can learn quickly, paraphrase what they said and repeat that to the potential employer if they're telling you something important. Hell show some bloody insight if you can. Find some common ground or something, it'll make you both more comfortable and you'll be that much closer to finding a new job =]

I think that's about it. There've been quite a few people asking around about how to find a job and I can't be bothered repeating myself that many times...maybe I'll just give them a link to this post next time...meh whatever...I actually don't mind being asked, in fact I feel quite flattered that they think me a job whoring bastard =D

Good luck with finding a job, hope you found some of this helpful ^^