Distracted from apathy =]

Ok, I'm good now. It's all good, the past is the past and whatever happened, happened and there's turning back. So whatever =] In other news, I've decided to play Gridiron xD The good ol american sport of strength, speed, skill and tactics. There's nothing like it in Australia....Rugby is meh....it's alright but it has nothing on Gridiron ahahaha. I plan on trying out for Wide Receiver or Corner Back! Both are catching positions but both require a fair bit of speed.

Anyways, I plan on going skydiving in July just to throw it all away or something deep and meaningful like that. Fun. SO I'd just like to say: I am perfectly fine albeit a little bit crazy ahahahaha. A 170-180cm asian kid playing gridiron....now that would be pretty crazy =P When I signed up for it, I found out that I was the only asian opting for full contact instead of playing "flag" hahahaa. Flag is like oztag in australia. There's no contact....well not really but yea, you were tags/flags on each side of you and you get "tackled" if one is removed. Per~ut~tee~ lame hahaha.

Hmmm....I know I'm probably gonna be a single dickhead for a very long time. And since I just got ummm....errr....need a not-so-harsh word for this...right...here it is: Declined! Yes, since I was declined recently (sounds a bit like a credit card doesn't it?), I don't think I'm prepared for another rush of emotions overriding every bit of my system. But I'm fine now. Exercising is one of the many ways I cope with things so no big deal.

Final words: SIS, CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU GO DOWN TO MELBOURNE AND DRAG HIS ASS BACK TO SYDNEY!! Wait...wait....STAY IN MELBOURNE!! SYDNEY SUCKS!!! STAY THERE!!!

I know I said final words but here are some more: Damn, need a STABLE JOB!

Faulty Electronics

I can't sleep, something is still on my mind. Damn it. I'm so....stricken...this isn't right. There's a video playing and the stop button won't work. I feel as if my mind has become a broken dvd player, playing the same dvd over and over with no way of ejecting the disc. Why am I like this? I should be able to accept it and move on...but the fucking eject button won't work!

So many things I wanted to say yet I lacked the guts to do so. So many things I wanted to do but they will never come to pass. One step down one path means leaving the other behind but.....why do I see my own footprints?

I knew the answer. I asked for it even though I knew. I took that answer. That should have been final. But. Why? Why aren't I anywhere near shutting down these “feelings”? Why hasn't the dvd player been unplugged? Why? Why can't I just move the hell on already?

Was listening to:

You Give Me Something – James Morrison
All Your Reasons – Matchbox 20
If My Heart Was A House – Owl City
Unwell – Matchbox 20
How You Remind Me – Nickelback
Addicted – Ellegarden

Well, time to smash the dvd player against the wall and see if that'll eject the disc. Maybe it'll be enough to put me to sleep.

Distracted

Whenever I take a shower or have a quiet smoke on my own, I tend to think about things....things like my future, what I've been doing lately, how satisfied I am with myself and all those other thoughts that make you melancholic. No one knows what the future will hold, so wondering about my own future is pointless but somewhat entertaining in its own way...you know what I mean? Like...planning too far ahead just for the sake of it, you know, making outrageous plans for the future that will probably never come true hahahaha....fuck. 

But yea, it has come to my attention that I am without a doubt, too much of an optimist when it comes to my own future excluding any and all connections to girls....unless those plans include opening up a strip club but that ain't gonna happen...wait a sec....there's an idea...nah that would be kinda pathetic...ahahahaa. In any case, I tend to think on the positive side when I plan something, disregarding all the problems that might come my way then I get overexcited about whatever it is I might be planning. But hey, a guy has got to have some dreams right? Dream big or don't dream at all, risk all or don't risk anything, do or die and some other random things (think of them yourself, I'm way too lazy right now).  

Rightio I'm still in a douschey mood so I'm gonna be a total retard, as per usual...nevertheless I am going to plow through my thoughts again. Right now, I am in no way satisfied with myself, I'm employed but the job doesn't seem to give me shifts (again....why....), I still have that debt floating over my head and I'm still pretty iffy about my body. Nothing I can do about the job except look for another one =/ I've been doing random exercises everyday just to see if it has any effect on me, here's a list of crap I do =P

- About 200-300 push ups each day (about 50-100 every 2 or so hours =/)

- 100-150 curls with shitty 5kg dumbbells (Sets of 50 =.=)

- 60-100 of those chest exercises, the one where you spread your arms with weights in em and bring your arms back to the centre, shit explanation but whatever =P

- 60-100 of the shitty triceps exercise, bend like a dousche and lift the weights backwards?

- 10-20 minutes of sit ups (usually for 3-5 minutes at a time...until my abdominal area is killing me ahahahha)

And there we go, my shitty everyday exercise thingo, I'm surprised I've kept with it and it kinda  makes me feel better about myself....except for the fact I'm only using 5kg =.= Phails....

I'm inept, incompetent, a total failure or what have you BUT I'm working on it...let's exclude the competency  with girls again, we all know I'm never going to improve on that ahahahaha.....errr....right...yea....back to me blabbering on about what the hell I'm trying to do. I've tried, I've failed, I've picked myself up and hurled myself against the wall again and again, took a break and started again but while doing that I haven't realised how futile it is. Maybe it's my imagination but I don't know when to give up, I'm still hitting that wall even though there's a nice even path right beside me.

I wonder what will last longer....the wall or me?

Fuck, I just realised this post has absolutely no coherent pattern or w/e, screw it, my posts never had any structure to begin with....well la~di~da~ I can't be bothered fixing it, back to doing random exercises to force out some endorphins.

Bored Again -sigh-

I'm bored so here's something that I randomly drink when I want some vitamin C without phlegm building up in my throat from the sugar in plain old juice. Here we go!

Fill half a glass/cup with orange juice. Fill the other half with soda water. Squeeze some lime juice into the drink. Ta~da! Simple yet oddly refreshing ahahaha. 

Random dessert =O

My epic Affogato>>

Ingredients: Premium Ice cream (Preferably White Chocolate or Vanilla but White Choc is better =P), Freshly brewed Expresso (Must have crema!), Frangelico.

1. Scoop a ball of ice cream into a coffee cup.

2. Using a coffee machine, brew expresso over the ice cream. Considering this is a dessert and not a drink, use no more than 45mL of expresso in other words, use no more than one and a half shots of expresso =]

3. Using a spoon coat the affogato with 30mL of Frangelico.

4.Serve in the cup on a plate with small dessert spoons.

This works for both winter and summer....wait....all year round ahahaha. Yea a bit rich so don't make it too often. Fullay goes well with a coffee or hot chocolate on the side. If serving with hot chocolate....go with vanilla ice cream, there's way too much sweetness if you have the white choc ice cream as well >.<

Fullay stuck at home....no work tonight Q___Q I still need money....gah....Please donate non existent money into my non existent fund to support me ^^;

Spiral into spaghetti

I have a new random take on life...well another random theory/analogy for life's opportunities. Life's opportunities are like a spiral, when life begins, you start on the outermost ring. At this point, there are almost an infinite amount of possibilities waiting for you but as you grow older, you move towards the center of the spiral, slowly but surely reducing the amount of opportunities that come your way. Sure you might have more money, experience and w/e but you're weighed down by responsibilities that pretty much halt any and all advances into another area. By the time you're almost dead, you've almost reached the center of the spiral and have shit all opportunities. Random theory? Yes. Stupid? Maybe. Nothing better to do? ummm...errr...damn it.

Lost my line of thought and randomly remembered some random recipes taught to me by a 3-4 star italian chef =D Better write them down before I forget.

Authentic Bolognaise! (Or close to it!)

Serves 4 or 8 small portions

Steak - at least half a kilo. Get it from the butcher's, it's cheaper and you can get whatever piece you want minced on demand.

Onion - One brown onion, diced

Celery - About 2-3 stalks, same amount as a diced onion

Carrot - Same amount as diced onion

Olive oil

Salt & Pepper

Red wine -  One glass (Personally I prefer Pinot Noir in cooking)

Tomatoes - A can of diced tomatoes will do nicely, sometimes its better than fresh tomatoes for some reason ahahaha

Spaghetti - 500g packet =P

1. Cook onions, celery and carrot in olive oil on medium-high until soft in a pot. 

2. Throw in the minced steak, cook until brown.

3. Add a pinch of salt and pepper, add glass of wine immediately after, stir thoroughly. (the wine will spread the salt and pepper through the sauce evenly not to mention it will add some nice flavour =]). Errr...Boil? (or keep it on medium high) for about 5 minutes to remove alcohol.

4. Add the tomatoes. Stir through well. Allow the sauce to simmer for another 5 minutes. 

5. Add Spaghetti (I'm assuming you cooked it while the sauce was being prepared). Stir, mix well etc whatever you wanna call it.

6. Serve, duh

Random spaghetti tip from the italian guy: For spaghetti el dente or proper spaghetti or something like that, cook spaghetti until it has a very thin line of flour left in the middle. Take a bite to check. The thing is, the pasta will cook once when you boil it, a second time in the sauce, and it will still be cooking when you place it on the table. By the time you eat it, it'll be damn near perfect hahahha or something like that. Please DON'T blame me for your mistakes =P

Anyways, I really can't be bothered writing down how to make good gravy. SOOOO here's a shortcut. 

Buy chicken stock cubes. Make the stock. Boil down until it becomes consistent, like gravy-ish texture (you'll lose alotta water but gravy needs to be thick =P). Add the gravy powder thingo (something like gravox). Ta~da! Gravy!

Add green peppercorns at the end and cook for a while for peppercorn sauce.

Add button mushrooms at the end and cook for a while for mushroom sauce.

Add worcestershire sauce and cream at the end and cook for a while for diane sauce.

I can't be bothered writing down anymore details for this so yea...need something random to finish this post off....hmmm....errr...fuck....got nothing again. Screw it, I'm gonna watch Interview with the Vampire before I sleep so shut up and go back to your twilight films. If you actually considered that....you're on the wrong blog mate.

How to make a caprioska

I don't really feel like blogging about myself at the moment so I'll just jot down some random cocktails and how I prepare them, if there's any errors feel free to correct me, don't worry I won't be offended, learning something new is always good ahahahaha. It's not as hard as it looks once you get the hang of it but then again so is everything else =]

Caprioska>>

Ingredients>

Vodka (45mL), Lime (quartered) or Lime Juice (about 10mL), Sugar (1 tsp - teaspoon) preferably NOT brown, Soda Water.

Instructions>

Muddle (Basically like crushing and twisting with something similar to a rolling pin =P) Vodka, Lime and Sugar in a cocktail shaker until sugar is dissolved.

Add Ice, Shake until shaker is chilled.

Strain into a glass half filled with ice.

Top off with soda water.

Garnish with a wedge of lime.

Serve with a straw.

For additional flavours, add soft fruit of your choice into the muddle to release flavours (strawberries, apricots, w/e). Garnish with a piece of that fruit to make it look more appealing =D

A very refreshing drink for summer, hell I downed a few of these over the past week. You can't really taste the alcohol as much as a cosmopolitan but this is supposed to be a fruity drink anyway. Oh and if you think it's too bitter/sour or not sweet enough just add an extra tsp of sugar to the muddle =P

Good luck and have fun with it!

mental prison break

Alright, it's done, there's no turning back. There is no delete button, there is no back button, there is no time machine. I've kind of said something, well more like implied something over an effin text message. It was bound to happen eventually and with that I would like to say I don't regret it....yet.

It was impossibly hard to hold it back, well fuck it, it's done. Sis, you know what I'm talking about ^^;

Well time to welcome an epic phail once again!

Thought that just struck me: Shit...

Can you hear me?

The one thing that's been bugging me for the last two weeks is how some people no matter how close they are to you, cannot understand your situation. I mean you can't understand something unless you've experienced it yourself firsthand. Lemme explain a bit more =/

You might be able to imagine or picture the circumstances but fuck you can't even begin to understand what it feels like, the emotions running through you, the thoughts, the fears, the survival instincts that kick in and whatever else. Yes, I can try and explain but....hell...you can't expect me to bare all, especially if it's something you're deeply ashamed of. I know I'm a fuck up, I know I can't be trusted by some people anymore and I know that they'll probably never talk to me again BUT how would you know how it feels? Do YOU have an extremely dysfunctional family? Do YOU have less privileges than ME? Do YOU have to earn YOUR OWN money? Did YOU pay for YOUR OWN things? If the answer is NO to more than one of the previous questions, the only thing you can do for me is advise. Ducky you're the only one I know who's been through this so you know what I mean =/

Hell I ain't taking anything for granted right now, I'm trying to fix my shit up (Debts among other things), sure I act all happy and carefree but seriously do YOU think you know ME? I've revealed a lot of things on this blog over the past year and yes it's more than what most people would divulge to random people browsing the web. This blog is just for my ranting and sometimes deepest thoughts but there are some things I can't put here but someday I think I will. That day may be today, tomorrow, next week or even 20 years from now, shit if I know.

The way I see it, if you can't see the situation from my point of view just ONCE...you've already given up on me. You've already left me behind by not trying to understand, it's essentially like shoving earplugs in your ears every time I try and explain myself. You just can't hear me. You say I don't listen but I do, it just takes a while to sink in but you.... you ignore my words completely.

These are just my thoughts after a week deprived of something essential...I may have become bitter (even more than before) but yea these are my honest down to earth thoughts/words. I know these words of mine will lead to a world of pain but hey I want a chance to show you what I think but then again you've covered your ears with your privileged life. I envy you.

V for Vindictive

Well, well....what do we have here? Another over hyped and ultimately futile day dedicated to couples who may either cherish or loathe the memory of this day. Yup it's valentines day....again. All of us single dickheads such as myself are thinking one of two things.

1. NOOO I'm SINGLE ON VALENTINES DAY! I'M DOOMED! MY LIFE IS OVER! (or some melodramatic like that)

2. Pfft...valentines...who needs it? -crying on the inside-

Yea I know, you're probably thinking "What a load of BS" but it doesn't change the fact that most people feel the need to be with someone on this overrated day, no matter how much they deny it. For all I know you could be in your room crying the corner right now....somehow reading this ahahaha. But yea most if not all people feel the need for company, company that soothes you just because you're in their presence. I know my inner romantic is raging inside its prison cell but I've lost the key...need a new one....err maybe not.

Everywhere you go today, you'll see couples, valentines day decorations and worst of all...roses....fuck...roses....the single thing that symbolises this day is a rose given to your loved one. I can't even go to woolworths and buy a pack of cigarettes without being hit below the belt by the sight of roses. Every time I see roses on this day, it reminds me of how shit it is to have been single for all 19 years of my life. Some random guy said "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" I think its kinda right, I'd rather go with being loved or even having a gal somewhat interested in me. Then again...I'm so clueless about chicks that I wouldn't know if she was interested if it was printed in big ass letters floating above her head ahahaha, maybe if I wasn't so dense...nah probably not.

Where was I....right yea...Valentines is just a kick in the balls, there's all this pressure for couples to do something "special" for that special someone. There's also pressure for those of us without that "special" someone...Lucky bastards...Wait....lookie here, it just started to rain on them "lucky" couples ahahahaha.

Hmmm...I seem to have a bad case of schadenfreude but hey I'm single on valentines so shut up and give me a rose or twenty. Actually, nevermind. I'm not going to go out there and myself a girlfriend until I'm satisfied with myself. I mean you can't make someone else happy if you're not happy yourself, you'd just fuck it up. In the meantime, I'm going to have a pack of ciggies and laugh at the couples out in the rain cuz I'm vindictive like that....well just for valentines.

Back from the dead

I'm back....sort of. Now that I'm employed again everything seems a little brighter. It's as if someone has pulled the curtains away from my eyes and shown me what it is to live again. Like I've said many times before: I live off pressure, that is pressure from working and shit like that. So yea...I am now employed at the Manhattan Lounge on Elizabeth St, Martin Place opposite Verandah Bar =D Look for the dark asian guy but don't expect any free drinks you free loading bastards =.=

Anyways, yea my life is looking up =] I got a cab back home from there for only $30 when it normally costs $45-55 ahahhaha then I checked my inbox....Guess what was there =P A successful application to one of my many many many...many....etc job applications online! Apparently I have an interview on monday =/ To go or not to go...hmmm...I do have a job now soooo do I go to the interview or not....Well let's see....I have to do my timetable on monday, tuesday I have to call my boss to arrange my shifts after my timetable is done soooo...I COULD go....FUCK so hard to decide! Somebody help me decide!!!

In any case (I gotta stop saying that....faaah) something tells me my life is looking up =] Soon enough I'll pay off my debts and move the hell outta this shithole I currently call home. Life isn't as bad as it was 20-something hours ago ahahaha....To the guys not talking to me at the moment: I'm working on my life, I'm getting there, I'm fixing my shit up...hopefully....no wait....definitely!

To summarise this whole bragging parade up, I'd just like to say something inspiring, something thought provoking, something you definitely won't find here. Yea....you're not gonna get that something, I really can't be fucked so yea life's a bitch and this one of them lemons so shut up, make some lemonade and when life least expects it....throw the lemonade in its spiteful face =D

Bottom of the food chain

I am scum. Yes. Scum. No matter what people do for me, I can never do anything right for them in return. There is something wrong with me. No doubt about it.

I've been told I like to push things like...I'll keep doing something until it's almost unbearable. I used to think I knew when to stop but clearly I don't. It's just like that random article said; I have a high tolerance for risk because there's something wrong with my brain or at least the logical part of my brain. I don't feel as much fear or remorse as normal people do....it's unnatural. Sure, I try to fix things up but...I'm too easily sidetracked by things that don't matter as much as what I'm supposed to be doing. In the end, I just fuck things up =/

Although it may seem impossible to change who I am, I have to try otherwise it's just going to be a cycle of me fucking everything up. I've already lost irreplaceable things in my life, it's almost as if I have nothing left but I have to learn to stand on my own two feet. I can't rely on other people to lift me out of a ditch every time I walk off the road...I have to do it myself. Who knows how long it'll take but what else can I do?

The only thing keeping me walking is the thought of money. If I can't keep anything else in my life, I can at least devote myself to making myself a decent buck even if it means working in a dead end job. In any case, I'll just put on a happy facade for everyone to see. No one needs to know that I'm stuck in another hole...just walk on by there's nothing to see here.

My word is worth nothing

I'm full of it. Full of shit. I can't even keep a promise to my best mates anymore. I don't even think I have the right to call them mates. Over reacting you say? Please...you don't know half of it. Allow me to ellaborate.

I am technically employed but the amount of money I get from my current occupation is practically nil. So let's go with jobless =/ Anyway...I have a debt that isn't going away anytime soon unless some place decides to hire me in the next week or so. I'm so desperate for cash right now that I'm considering going back to working at McDonald's....Yea.....You heard me right...Maccas...The one place I told myself I was finally free from, the stigma that finally washed away after a year of severing ties with the place that had me endure a few years of ridicule and many nicknames. 

The money that I was supposed to spend on paying off my debts....was spent on paying the rent that my parents were supposed to pay for. Are my parents that financially fucked? Why am I the one paying for their mistakes? Why am I the one causing others to suffer because I can't shove my foolish pride away and work at a place I cannot bear to stand in. Why am I so irresponsible? Why do I feel no pain or remorse? Don't answer, none of these questions can really be answered by you....whoever the hell you are.

I wonder if I'll survive this situation with my head held high....or will I be crawling through the scum of society with nothing to support me? I've thought about this for a while....and the only solution I can find is to do the following.

1. Clear my current personal debts to other people by increasing my debt.

2. Find and secure a stable job.

3. Pay off all my other debts.

4. Move out as soon as the last payment is made.

5. Sever ties with my family.

6. Continue my education.

7. Save a significant amount of money.

8. Take some time off.

9. Face the consequences.

Well, it's time I started isn't it? Don't wish me luck, luck hates me and you do too.